Rough Mommy Days - Or Are they???

I would like the email address of whoever it was who created Halloween!  What kind of a crazy person designs a holiday where kids get to get all spooked (read hyper) and dressed up and they get to inhale bags of candy (read hyper again)?  I'll tell you for sure that this holiday was created by a man who did not have children!  With absolute certainty, it wasn't created by the single mother of three boys!

Today started out as most Saturdays do for me when I have the boys.  We have a quiet breakfast, we go grocery shopping and we run errands.  However, today the minute those boys stepped into the Superstore and saw all the Halloween costumes, candies and decorations - that was it.  That was around 9am, it's currently 6pm and they are still hyper.

I love Halloween, I actually decorate the whole house; inside and out.  But the boys and I have a huge challenge that we face every year.  You see, I like Halloween, I appreciate the whole witches and ghost thing.  But I don't subscribe to the whole "blood and gore" aspect of Halloween.  I never let my eldest wear costumes that I thought were outside the realm of what I thought was appropriate (he keeps talking about a friends mom who is a Halloween control freak, but I think that really he's talking about me).  It has already started with Lucas, he wants to be something "scary" and I just don't like the idea...so what we have here is a Halloween standoff.  He refuses to want the costumes that I like and I refuse to buy the costumes that he likes.  I'm going to win this one...that little boy has no money and assuming that he would like to partake in the holiday then I'm going to have the last word. 

I'm trying to be patient, but I just looked up from writing my blog to see that the three year old has stripped down naked and drawn "tattoo's" all over his body.  God grant me the strength to get through Halloween, because when this holiday of candy infused craziness finally ends that other holiday is at our door; and I can't even begin to explain to you the craziness that ensues at my house during that particular holiday. 

The next three months will fly by, and there will be a lot of craziness but there will be many more beautiful memories made.  Time, as always, continues to bring my life more into focus.  The crazy comes with the great and this time of year for every moment of complete insanity there is a moment of perfect beauty and awe.  I'm looking forward to taking them all in stride; afterall I am a very proud tired mom.

And Suddenly it Settles

A funny thing has been happening lately, the journey has gotten exponentially easier.  From day to day, week to week it all appears to be getting easier; and as it becomes easier it has become more enjoyable. 

About a week ago a feeling of peace settled in my life, a feeling like it's all finally okay.  The boys are all in school full days now and its amazing how it feels to know that they are having full days involved in school work and that I'm not so reliant on help from others to manage the boys throughout the day.  And when I get home at the end of the day, it's a pleasure to see them and to spend time with them.  All three boys are getting older, and as they grow they bring me more joy.  Just as I wrote months ago, the journey of raising my boys gets better with each passing week; time continues to make the experience that much more wonderful.

And then there's the process of getting divorced, we are still absolutely nowhere near being finalized with that.  But it no longer concerns me the way that it once did.  I have a full, wonderful life and he has his.  We are both travelling in opposite directions, further and further apart with only the boys to keep us connected in any way.  I have made peace with the fact that he is no longer the man that I married and that I loved;  that man no longer exists, but I'm okay with that.  His role in my life was to give me my beautiful sons, once they were all in my world there was no longer a role for him in my journey.  There isn't a gift more significant in this world than what he gave to me.  The boys are my joy, my pride and the most magical thing that I have ever, or will ever, be a part of.

And lastly there is my little secret of the past year, a wonderful new man in my life.  Someone who makes me laugh, and makes me feel beautiful and who is the first person in my life who has ever been able to make me slow down.  I'm grateful that we found our way into each others lives, and while the relationship is still relatively new, I am open to whatever the experience of having him in my world will bring, and am exponentially grateful for the quiet that he instills in me.  He is the first person in my life who isn't always in a hurry to be somewhere, or to do something, and I'm grateful that this is a skill that, believe it or not, I am learning from him. 

So, today I am filled once again with gratitude; my cup runneth over.  There is so much in my world for which I am grateful, many of those things I overlooked for years.  But now it appears that a part of learning to slow down is allowing me to finally see the things in my world that are nothing short of gracious blessings and I am filled with the desire to keep learning and growing while I find my path.  The path will continue to have its twists and turns, and no two routes are ever going to be the same.  The important thing will never be the final destination, it will always be the journey.  I am happy to report that my journey is quite remarkable and I am enjoying every moment along the way.

Creating the Path for Yourself!

I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to the idea that finding my path might really be a lot less about letting the universe guide me where I am supposed to go and more about building the path that I see my life following.  I grew up in a very traditional European, Catholic family and people laugh when I say it, but in my parents house as a female I was either leaving that house in a white dress or a coffin.  Moving out on your own was something that was unheard of, I’m proud of the girls in my family who have since broken that mould and ventured out to start to create their own rules.  Part of the dynamic of growing up in that kind of an environment is that you always do what you feel is best for the collective good. Rarely do you think about doing what is best for you, especially if what whatyou feel is best will affect the peace within the family.

 Here’s something new for consideration, I’m grateful that my marriage fell apart.  I loved my husband with everything that I had, but I’m not sure that he and I were ever really right for one another.  Our union gave me three beautiful sons, who are the loves of my life, and I will be eternally grateful that our paths crossed.  But with the dissolution of my marriage came an opportunity to forge a new path that is right for me.  I’m old enough now, confident enough now that the decisions that I make get to be those that are in my best interest and I really don’t care about what the rest of the world thinks of those decisions.  It’s the first time in my life that I feel free to take responsibility for my own decisions and to do what feels right for me, and having taken 41 years to get here, I can tell you that the feeling is really quite awsome.

I continue on my path, the whole time feeling the wonderment at finally feeling like any decisions that feel right will be right regardless of what they are.  Lessons will be learned, some will come easily and some will come harder. The people who love me will always have my back, and I in turn will always have theirs.  In my life today I’m stronger because I have been week, I am fearless because I have been afraid and I am wise because I have been foolish.  I am an exponentially stronger woman today than I was two years ago; sometimes you have to travel a very long way to find what was always right there beside you.

Find your path, build a path that will guide your life into what you want for your life to be.  Let no one ever deter you from being where the universe meant for you to be, love shamelessly and with reckless abandon.  Yes I mean you; I know you know who you are!

Oh No!! The "Teenage Years" Are Here!!

I think that I figured something out today...the "teenage years" have arrived at my house.  For the first time ever my teenager "ignored me".  Completely just disregarded what I was saying even though I was screaming it at the top of my voice in the same room as him.  And then he tried to justify why he was ignoring me.  So, after I finally clarified which of the two of us was the boss in this particular relationship (that would me be) he stormed away.  And then I started to think!  Oh no, I'm going to have to do this twice...just as I'm finally over the rough time of having a teenager, my other two boys will be entering the dreaded teenage years.  And it didn't end there, I realized that as soon as I was finally through the teenage years with the two younger ones, the older one might be starting a family and then I would be "GASP" a grandmother.  That's when I realized what I've suspected for years...this is never going to be over.  I'm going to be raising children, loving children, worrying endlessly FOREVER!! 

I love these little boys, and I love almost every phase that they go through.  I'm even able to see the humour (now) in last Thursday nights mishap where the three year old decided to dump three bottles of paint all over the coffee table and the carpet.  It was funny...ha ha...see I'm enjoying the whole experience for sure.  My poor sister however, who was at my place during the paint debacle, might still not be over the drama that ensued.  As I scraped the paint into a bowl (yes, there was that much paint), the three year old started screaming and crying that I was ruining his painting. 

So, I'm trying to enjoy it all; while I realize that it isn't going to get funamentally easier for some time to come.  I told my six year old that when they were all grown that I wanted to move to Paris and he said "cool, I can't wait to move to Paris with you".  Loving them, working hard to try to just try to accept the things that happen in the manner in which they happen.  There are going to be things that I can control, and things that will always be out of my control and the sooner that I make peace with that, the sooner my life will feel peaceful. 

What an adventure!  The path is completely crazy and bumpy but there are a multitude of rewards at the end.  The boys are my biggest reward, at the end of all the hard work they'll always be there waiting.

Loving the road, working hard to accept it as it comes at me. 

Running...and Finally Catching Up

Holy Smokes...talk about running a million miles an hour these days.  My mind is constantly flying and I'm surprised that I manage to sleep at all these days.  I recently had a terrible night, I tossed and turned for hours and finally decided at 4am that the best thing that I could do for myself was to get out of bed and make a list of all the things that were floating around in my head that were causing all this sleeplessness.  The list was long, I realised that over the past two years anything that was difficult has been getting relegated to the "take care of it when I have time" pile and things were quickly starting to add up.  So I've been addressing all those items that have been being added to my list, slowly ticking things off and the feeling is so wonderful.  I had forgotten what it was like to go a day without something in the back of your mind sounding alarm bells; it's such a wonderful thing to be checking things off my list.

The last month involved a lot of thought about my career and what I wanted to be doing.  Although it wasn't an easy decision to make I've decided that the best thing that I can do for myself is to take a step back.  For years I was an Executive Assistant and to be honest, I love the role.  I love helping others and getting to know people and this role offers me an opportunity to operate within my comfort zone.  I realised that for now, the greatest thing that I can give to myself is a healthy work-life balance, there will be time later for growing my career and trying new things.  For now the priority should be my life and the lives of my little boys.  We need time, lots of time, and I'm okay with that.  So, starting Tuesday I'm back to a job that I love, helping people who I already know and respect and I'm glad that my life offers me opportunities from time  to time for a "do over".

I'm grateful that this summer I've had lots of time to spend on the beach with my babies, and happy to spend some time just starting to get to know me a little better.  By understanding myself better, I'll understand those around me better and slowly I'll keep travelling the path.  I'm already having fun, I fully anticipate that it will continue to get better and better.  Thanks for following everyone!

I'm not afraid of adversity!!

As we roll towards Canada Day I’m feeling very patriotic and as such think that a Canadian euphemism might be in order to express how I’m feeling these days; my life is currently like a hockey game and I’m in net and the universe is taking endless shots. What I’m not really able to figure out is whether or not I’m actually blocking those pucks or if I’m letting them all get in past me.

In the past two weeks my 6 year old and I have been struck down with pneumonia, the 13 year old has bronchitis and just when I thought that the last man standing was going to be okay he came down with a terrible cough and an ear infection. A lesser woman would have caved under the pressure, but not me. I took 3 days off of work and headed back in to the office to find out that my career is kind of tanking, well maybe not so much tanking as it might just be in a "transitional stage"; but for whatever reason it looks like the universe is letting me know that it’s time to move on. So onwards I go, with full confidence (you can let me know later if you actually believe that remark about full confidence) that there’s a reason why all this is happening. A couple of days ago my horoscope said “You may be feeling like the universe isn't on your side right now, Aries. But that feeling could probably be attributed to the hectic state of your life right now. You've had a lot on your plate for a long time, and with so little relief the stress and anxiety have worn you out.” REALLY??? Worn me out – that might be the biggest understatement of the decade. I feel like the universe is putting its big old boots to me; just giving me a giant kick in some direction that I’m not so sure I want to be travelling in. I realize that I’m looking for my path, but perhaps the trip to getting on that path might want to be just a little better paved, a few less bumps along the way would be appreciated!!

So here’s where I am at; this isn’t the first time that my career has taken a path that I wasn’t sure of. I work in an industry where you get bought and sold more often than a leaky sail boat! And every time I’ve had to take on a new role in a new organization, it has always been a great opportunity and I have always been grateful in the end for the new people that I have met and the new experiences that I have gained. So this is how I am approaching this chapter in my world. I need to be healthy and happy, so it’s time to find the right job and the right career that will help to get both of those things rolling once again. I know it, the universe knows it and whoever it is that is writing those horoscopes sure knows it too…several days after the above horoscope was posted my horoscope read “You can find the joy you want in your life. There is something that is blocking your path to finding it, though, and it is something you need to resolve internally. You are engaged in something difficult, or you haven't been able to forgive yourself for something. Address that issue, and you'll be on the path to happiness and serenity”. Look out world; happiness and serenity are on their way!! There are some things that I might need to figure out, but once I do there isn’t anything that can stop me! Today I’m focusing on what is currently right in my world, and there really is an abundance of things and people for which I am grateful. I figure if I can keep focusing on those things that are right, the ones that need to right themselves will fall into path!

Gratitude and Satisfaction

People fascinate me! I spend a lot of time watching other people, trying to figure them out and hoping that maybe by understanding others in turn I will better understand myself. I really do believe that every person with whom we interact serves a purpose; that they are there at that exact moment as you for a reason. I guess that’s why I start up random conversations with strangers in stores and on trains (and even on Twitter). I’ll take any opportunity to understand someone, to listen to them tell a story and to try to understand a point of view, even the ones that I don’t share. But for all the talking that I do, and all the listening, I’m still quite baffled by our human experience. I’m baffled by our dissatisfaction with the life that we have been given when in reality we all have such a finite amount of time to be able to find gratitude and satisfaction in our lives.

Recently while on a break from jury duty selection I was sitting by the water fountain at Toronto’s City Hall; to my right was the exact spot where 21 years ago I sat with the boy that I would marry, it was the first time he ever held my hand. To my left was a couple, all dressed up and heading into City Hall to vow to love each other until death parts them. I sat there wondering what happens; what happens that takes that wonderful, impossible and unexplainable feeling that you feel for someone as you fall in love and turns it into something that no longer works, something with which we feel dissatisfied? I wonder why it is that some people cannot find it within themselves to nurture love and be grateful for its presence in their life. I don’t subscribe to the theory that people grow apart, I subscribe to the theory that we are all chasing an idea of what we think our life should look like, what our relationships should look like, that we are overlooking those things in our life that would bring others great satisfaction. Our lives are not scripts written in Hollywood, our life experience is so fraught with emotion; happiness, sadness, and great moments of inexplicable grief but onwards we go uncertain as to whether or not the happy ending is waiting for us at the end.

We should all be looking for satisfaction within the boundaries of the life that we have been given. I’m not perfect, and I don’t always find gratitude where I should, and I can’t always see the sun for the clouds in my own life. I have hurts from the past that often times feel like they will never heal themselves, but I do know that the soul knows how to heal itself, all we have to figure out is how to still our minds in order to allow the healing to begin. My life for the most part is organized chaos, and sometimes it’s unorganized chaos, and I’m still feeling like my life is currently out of order, but I trust that the universe is merely re-organizing things for me in order to give me a fresh start that will be better than ever and for that I am grateful and very satisfied.