Believing in Happy Ever After

I think one of the most troublesome things about getting older is that reality becomes much clearer. It’s almost impossible to be hopeful about difficult situations when you get a few years under your belt and know the reality of things. Even harder when you reach an age where you start to lose friends and you face some of life’s obstacles and challenges.

I can recall as a child how many things I heard and believed that were completely magical and I never thought to challenge them. One of my favourites being the story my father used to tell us about a lake in our home town that to the eye always appears to be completely split in two; one side being blue and one side being green. My father would tell us that the reason for this was that there was a king and a young shepherd girl who loved one another but because of their status could never be together. She had blue eyes, his were green and they each cried enough tears for one another to create a lake. But the colours, just like them, would never blend together. Now that I’m a grown up and I know that the real reason is because of shadows and the perspective from where you see the lake. I still love to tell the story to my children who believe it and believe in the magical message. Being a parent gives us an opportunity to believe in magic, even if only through our children’s perspective.

We recently had to have our beloved family dog, Jaymi, put to sleep. It was a difficult transition for my eldest who had received the dog as a gift on his 5th birthday. But my youngest didn’t take it too hard; he took it less like the loss of his pet but more like Jaymi was just going on to the next chapter in his life. He came home from school and announced that a “very smart” boy in his class had told him that when a pet dies all the strongest ants in the ant kingdom came and got their body and take the pet to the queen ant that magically brings the pet back to life. So although it was hard to come up with a tale to spin on this, I told him that his little friend was right and that the ants took the pet to heaven where the queen ant there brought him back and he got to become the pet of a special boy or girl who was waiting in heaven for a new pet of their own.

I miss believing in magic and being hopeful that all situations work themselves out so that they are all perfectly resolved. A lot happens in our lives, good and bad. But I’m making it a goal for myself to start to believe more often in the possibility of a happy ending than in feeling hopeless when situations feel difficult. I’m fortunate that I’ve been able to build a pretty good life for myself and for the boys and I honestly believe that if the message I put out into the universe is that I believe in the possibility of magic and happily ever after’s that I’ll have my very own happily ever after. You get what you put out and I’m putting out the belief that I’m on path and I have the confidence to succeed in all that I envision coming true for me and the boys.

Growing Up and Figuring it Out

This past week my oldest son turned 15 years old. I still look at him and have trouble believing that the man standing before me is the little boy that stole my heart the minute he came into this world with his beautiful long hands and giant, intelligent eyes. I think that one of the first things I ever said about him was that he was going to play piano; turns out I wasn’t too far off, he plays the guitar.

I know that 15 is not an easy age, I remember it being a time for me where I had a whole lot of questions and answers were pretty limited. Grownups weren’t always so good at answering the questions, and now I can understand, the questions are hard and the answers are not always clear to us even after we’ve put some time and research into the role of living our lives. So he doesn’t always make the best decisions, and he doesn’t always have the greatest attitude, but that being said I am still blown away by how incredible he is.

He is talented; this boy was born to be on a stage, and even when he’s off the stage he still taking centre stage. He makes me laugh, even when I know it’s inappropriate and I should not laugh, because his delivery is impeccable. And he is kind; I can’t imagine him ever being unkind to any person. Lastly he is a determined negotiator who can negotiate consensus among his peers because he is liked and respected (except when it comes to his brothers – unfortunately that particular dynamic brings out the dictator in him). Last semester he nearly drove his religion teacher to tears, but the teacher told me that Daniel’s opinions and questions had brought about the most valuable discussions in his class.

So as a mother and son we’re going through a little bit of a rough patch. He wants me to let go and I’m not quite ready. One day when he’s a father he may understand, but I’m not sure that he’ll ever understand the depth of love that I feel for him as my first born son. I know I need to let him go a little, so I’m going to give it my best effort. He has to go off and figure some things out on his own, and when he needs my guidance he knows I’m always here.

Earlier this week when my best friend and I were catching up over email (because that’s what you do today when you’re a working mother with three sons), she gave me the best insight ever when she wrote “We all have trouble finding happiness and 'our path' (to borrow a phrase my best friend likes to use). This is a particularly hard part of the journey for him. He seems to want to keep at it though - so it is good news”. Thank you my sweet, beautiful friend. You would be surprised how often you help me to find my own path, I am eternally grateful.

So, I love him enough to let go as much as I can and let him go off and find his own path, and if I have to let him stumble from time to time, or I have to consent to let him do something I'm not crazy about, it's part of his path. I can't wait to see how it all works out, he's already amamzing and I'm confident he'll only get better.

Happy Days are Here Again!

I really have to get a little better at doing this more often; so much can change in the span of six months. I’ve been very happily (and busily) acclimatizing myself to my new job, which I absolutely love. And today it dawned on me that in my career I didn’t follow one of my most basic principals in life, when you aren’t comfortable in a part in your life it’s because that particular part of your life is no longer serving you. I worked for a great company, I knew that it was a great company, but I really didn’t want to be there. I would go home on Friday grateful that the week was over, but by Saturday morning I would be fretting about the weekend being over and having to head back to a job that left me miserable and unfulfilled. I worked with great people, but the role was not right for me. And I think in the end that I had outgrown the organization all together and it was time for me to shake things up. Everything was making me miserable; I was just a giant ball of stress in every single part of my life and I really wasn’t enjoying anything anymore.

So I started a new job towards the end of the March, not that it was easy to find the right job; it took a lot of effort and time. And now it isn’t just that I’m happier Monday to Friday during business hours, I’m happier all the time. I feel so much less anxiety about the boys and the noise and the mechanics of raising them. And I know that as a mother when I start to feel that way that they feel it too and everything seems to settle. So if you flip back to those earlier blogs where I write about not feeling comfortable in your space, I hope some of you took my advice because obviously I did not take my own advice.

Life is short, and most of us need to earn an income, but we don’t need to spend time working somewhere that doesn’t fulfil us and make us feel like what we contribute is of significance. I would never again put myself in a place where I felt that way because now I know that it impacts my entire life.

So today, I’m encouraging anyone who is feeling that discomfort to sort out what part of your life is causing it and to fix it. I sleep better, I eat better and I’m so much better balanced when I can put in my day and feel good about it. Onwards and upwards, lesson learned. Now I can truly enjoy the weekends without giving a second thought to the fact that the weekend will be over in two days; and that is a good thing.

Starting a New Year Looking Back Instead of Forward

For the last several years as a new year starts I’ve gotten into a pattern of thinking that this will be the year where everything will settle and that everything will start to feel more natural for me. I struggle with some of the aspects of getting divorced and raising the boys on my own. I will never get used to the idea of “sharing” my children; I don’t enjoy time without them. I cringe at the thought of spending birthdays and holidays away from them. Having a life that is separate from my life with my children doesn’t feel natural to me. Living in a house on my own with the boys and having all that responsibility resting solely on my shoulders is still daunting. So although it has been three years, there are still so many ways that my life still doesn’t feel like it has settled into what I would want for it to become.

However to start this year, I don’t want to look forward, I don’t want to think about what could be and I don’t want to think about what I wish will be. I want to start this year by looking back and recognizing all that I managed to accomplish over the past three years on my own.

I learned to drive and I fearlessly went out and bought my very first car on my own. I took to the streetcar the dealership and was fully prepared; I had done all my research and I knew exactly how much I wanted to pay for a car and exactly what car I wanted…and that’s exactly what I negotiated (along with free rust-proofing, free matts and scotch guarding for the interior). I think I did okay. Old Ana would not have stepped foot into a dealership without a husband or a father to help negotiate the deal. I also learned to top up windshield fluid and operate the lights (do you realize they don’t teach you that when you get your license?). I’m sure that sooner or later I’ll have to learn to change a tire, but my friends at CAA may make it so I never have to go that far.

The first Christmas that the boys and I were on our own I cried as I tried (unsuccessfully) to attach the Christmas tree to the roof of my car in the rain with the straps that I had no idea how to operate. I cried because I didn’t want to celebrate Christmas without my family intact and out of frustration that I didn’t know how to do something that seemed so simple. Some kind man took pity on me and my car full of kids and helped me get it sorted out. This year, the boys and I drove to Lowe’s, picked out our tree (the biggest one we could find) and some lovely young man loaded the tree on top of my car and I tied it myself to the roof. That was the scariest drive in the world for me; I wasn’t sure if my knotting skills were going to keep that tree on top or we were going to cause a major accident; but we got home. And all on my own I took that 7foot tree off the roof and got it in the house and into the tree holder. All on my own!

I installed an air conditioning unit. In the middle of the worst heat wave that I think I’ve ever lived through, I finally caved and bought a standalone air conditioner to cool down our bedrooms. I think that I sweat the equivalent of 10 pounds of sweat that day, and I used more profanity than I think I have ever used in my life. But I put together the air conditioner…only to discover that you can’t just use a regular extension cord for it. So I loaded everyone into the car, drove to Canadian Tire to buy the appropriate extension cord. We drove home and plugged in the unit…and I kid you not….at that very second the heat wave broke and the whole city cooled down. But I now own a $400 air conditioner and I know how to install it. These are little steps, but they are steps that show how far I’ve come in the three years that the boys and I have been on our own (and those of you who know me well likely cannot even fathom the idea of me installing an air conditioning unit).

I don’t want to look forward this year and try to make decisions about the things that I want to have happen. I just want to live in the present moment, to continue to learn and to continue to grow. I have such a long way to go, but I’ve already come so far. I’m looking forward to this year, looking forward to just being in the moment and letting things unfold as they need to; but I’m hopeful that there are good things ahead. Happy New Year everyone.

Gratitude - Thank you Friends!

It’s that weekend of the year when we get a chance to sit back, eat too much turkey and consider the things in our lives for which we are thankful. As you can imagine, my list is long!

My cup runneth over with the abundance of love that is given to me by my boys; every hug, every time a little hand curls up in mine, every time one of them sits on my lap and plays with my hair, every time one of them says "I love you mommy" I am thankful and my heart overflows with love.

I'm thankful for my oldest son's crazy sense of humour and the fact that when I entertain he becomes the showman, making sure that everyone is laughing and having fun. I used to tell him that with his personality sometimes less was more, but now I think I realize that for him more is more, and I'm grateful that he has a personality larger than life! He fills a room with his personality and I am reminded of some of the personalities of my childhood who filled a room, and I am grateful for those memories.

I am grateful that in the quieter moments of my life there is a man whose smile fills my heart with happiness, I still smile when I think of the first time I saw his smile. Over the past two years he has filled my world with a kind of happiness that I wasn't always sure would exist for me again. I'm grateful every day that he is in my life.

I'm grateful that the universe gave me a chance to reinvent myself. To start again and to realize that I am a strong woman, capable of standing on my own and managing my life (even when it isn't easy). I lived in the shadow of a relationship for a long time and I never believed that I could manage on my own. I'm grateful that I was given the chance to see my own strength. And I'm grateful that the reinvention isn't over, that every day I continue to learn and grow as new people, opportunities and challenges fill my life!

And lastly, I'm grateful for all of you. For every person who supports me, who reads my blog and sends me emails of encouragement when the road is bumpy; you all give me incredible strength. This is not the first time on this blog that I write about my gratitude, my life is hectic and sometimes I forget (or don't have time) to really see how wonderful my world really is. I will admit that sometimes I forget to be grateful, to truly look around me and see all the beauty. So once again, I thank you all for being on the journey with me. Thank you; today I send gratitude to all of you for being on my path.

New Season Reflections

I can hardly believe that this weekend we welcomed Fall; summer this year was just much too quick.  I love Fall, it has always been my favourite season and my favourite time to reflect and think about how the year has gone so far and where I am in my life. As such I've spent the last few evenings trying to sort through the year and see where I'm at.

What I've come to realize is that over the course of the past two years I've started to fall back into some old habits; habits I promised myself were not part of my new path.  After my marriage ended I committed to myself that I would be a priority in my own life, that I would not forget to be authentic to who I'm really meant to be.  This whole blog was a chance to express that journey and to help to own the opportunity to build the path that was most authentic for me.  I got a tattoo just before my 40th birthday that simply reads "transcend".  The tattoo is my personal reminder to rise above and to be better.

So over the past few evenings I've been disappointed with the realization that I've started again to put everyone in my life above myself.  That the things that I need for my own journey have begun to be pushed aside.  That loving all the people in my life has once again risen so far above loving myself.  I have a friend who I have known for years; a wonderful, strong executive for whom I worked years ago.  She once gave me the best piece of advice that I have ever received; that to love yourself and look after yourself is one of the best gifts you can give to the people who love you.  They in turn get to have the you that is most who you are, and your happiness will reflect in them.

I think that it's time to get back to some basics, there are people in my life who are inherent to my journey, people for whom my love has no bounds,  I have to focus on giving them the me that is most in line with who I need to be and not so much who they all need me to be because I believe that is what is best for all of us.  I wish the journey was clearer, Fall  weather is perfect to enjoy some long walks and start to give real thought to the changes that will need to be made in order to keep moving forward.  Lots of good has happened in the past two years, but there are still changes to be made, and so much still to figure out.  As always though, I'm grateful that you are all on the path with me!

Happy Mothers Day

I love Mothers Day, because it is an opportunity every year for me to sit back and think about what it really means to me to be a mother. My three boys bring a joy into my life that is hard to put into words. But I know that whenever I witness Daniel's passion for music (even though his taste in music makes me crazy), Lucas' extreme love for the people around him or Michael caressing my face and telling me he loves me, the feeling I have is undescribable.

Those little boys are a piece of me and I'm still in awe everytime I say to one of them "I grew you from scratch"! The last three years have been crazy, but those boys have always been my rocks, the reason I got up every morning and the reason I always knew it was going to be okay. I am blessed as a mother; blessed that the universe saw fit to allow me to raise these beautiful creatures...and I always know that...even when it's 9:30pm and the giggling won't stop or the fighting continues...I am blessed!

Being a mother is the single most important thing I will ever do in my life. Isn't it incredible that we all study so hard and work so hard to achieve a career when the most important task in life requires no training other than to learn as you go? Truth be told, I have learned more from the boys than I believe that they have learned from me. I have learned patience. I've learned that to truly listen you must stop what you are doing and look someone in the eye. I've learned that a real strong embrace can fix almost anything. I've learned that I don't always have to agree with someone's opinions to respect them. And truly, truly I have learned love. A kind of love that means my heart is always on my sleeve, love that means every time I hear a siren my heart skips a beat and a love that knows there is nothing I couldn't forgive. I am blessed.

I've said it many times before throughout this blog and in my life...but I am always aware that my greatest blessing has been the blessing of being a mommy to three wonderful and amazing boys. Happy Mothers Day!