I think that I figured something out today...the "teenage years" have arrived at my house. For the first time ever my teenager "ignored me". Completely just disregarded what I was saying even though I was screaming it at the top of my voice in the same room as him. And then he tried to justify why he was ignoring me. So, after I finally clarified which of the two of us was the boss in this particular relationship (that would me be) he stormed away. And then I started to think! Oh no, I'm going to have to do this twice...just as I'm finally over the rough time of having a teenager, my other two boys will be entering the dreaded teenage years. And it didn't end there, I realized that as soon as I was finally through the teenage years with the two younger ones, the older one might be starting a family and then I would be "GASP" a grandmother. That's when I realized what I've suspected for years...this is never going to be over. I'm going to be raising children, loving children, worrying endlessly FOREVER!!
I love these little boys, and I love almost every phase that they go through. I'm even able to see the humour (now) in last Thursday nights mishap where the three year old decided to dump three bottles of paint all over the coffee table and the carpet. It was funny...ha ha...see I'm enjoying the whole experience for sure. My poor sister however, who was at my place during the paint debacle, might still not be over the drama that ensued. As I scraped the paint into a bowl (yes, there was that much paint), the three year old started screaming and crying that I was ruining his painting.
So, I'm trying to enjoy it all; while I realize that it isn't going to get funamentally easier for some time to come. I told my six year old that when they were all grown that I wanted to move to Paris and he said "cool, I can't wait to move to Paris with you". Loving them, working hard to try to just try to accept the things that happen in the manner in which they happen. There are going to be things that I can control, and things that will always be out of my control and the sooner that I make peace with that, the sooner my life will feel peaceful.
What an adventure! The path is completely crazy and bumpy but there are a multitude of rewards at the end. The boys are my biggest reward, at the end of all the hard work they'll always be there waiting.
Loving the road, working hard to accept it as it comes at me.
Monday, 27 August 2012
Saturday, 4 August 2012
Running...and Finally Catching Up
Holy Smokes...talk about running a million miles an hour these days. My mind is constantly flying and I'm surprised that I manage to sleep at all these days. I recently had a terrible night, I tossed and turned for hours and finally decided at 4am that the best thing that I could do for myself was to get out of bed and make a list of all the things that were floating around in my head that were causing all this sleeplessness. The list was long, I realised that over the past two years anything that was difficult has been getting relegated to the "take care of it when I have time" pile and things were quickly starting to add up. So I've been addressing all those items that have been being added to my list, slowly ticking things off and the feeling is so wonderful. I had forgotten what it was like to go a day without something in the back of your mind sounding alarm bells; it's such a wonderful thing to be checking things off my list.
The last month involved a lot of thought about my career and what I wanted to be doing. Although it wasn't an easy decision to make I've decided that the best thing that I can do for myself is to take a step back. For years I was an Executive Assistant and to be honest, I love the role. I love helping others and getting to know people and this role offers me an opportunity to operate within my comfort zone. I realised that for now, the greatest thing that I can give to myself is a healthy work-life balance, there will be time later for growing my career and trying new things. For now the priority should be my life and the lives of my little boys. We need time, lots of time, and I'm okay with that. So, starting Tuesday I'm back to a job that I love, helping people who I already know and respect and I'm glad that my life offers me opportunities from time to time for a "do over".
I'm grateful that this summer I've had lots of time to spend on the beach with my babies, and happy to spend some time just starting to get to know me a little better. By understanding myself better, I'll understand those around me better and slowly I'll keep travelling the path. I'm already having fun, I fully anticipate that it will continue to get better and better. Thanks for following everyone!
The last month involved a lot of thought about my career and what I wanted to be doing. Although it wasn't an easy decision to make I've decided that the best thing that I can do for myself is to take a step back. For years I was an Executive Assistant and to be honest, I love the role. I love helping others and getting to know people and this role offers me an opportunity to operate within my comfort zone. I realised that for now, the greatest thing that I can give to myself is a healthy work-life balance, there will be time later for growing my career and trying new things. For now the priority should be my life and the lives of my little boys. We need time, lots of time, and I'm okay with that. So, starting Tuesday I'm back to a job that I love, helping people who I already know and respect and I'm glad that my life offers me opportunities from time to time for a "do over".
I'm grateful that this summer I've had lots of time to spend on the beach with my babies, and happy to spend some time just starting to get to know me a little better. By understanding myself better, I'll understand those around me better and slowly I'll keep travelling the path. I'm already having fun, I fully anticipate that it will continue to get better and better. Thanks for following everyone!
Thursday, 28 June 2012
I'm not afraid of adversity!!
As we roll towards Canada Day I’m feeling very patriotic and as such think that a Canadian euphemism might be in order to express how I’m feeling these days; my life is currently like a hockey game and I’m in net and the universe is taking endless shots. What I’m not really able to figure out is whether or not I’m actually blocking those pucks or if I’m letting them all get in past me.
In the past two weeks my 6 year old and I have been struck down with pneumonia, the 13 year old has bronchitis and just when I thought that the last man standing was going to be okay he came down with a terrible cough and an ear infection. A lesser woman would have caved under the pressure, but not me. I took 3 days off of work and headed back in to the office to find out that my career is kind of tanking, well maybe not so much tanking as it might just be in a "transitional stage"; but for whatever reason it looks like the universe is letting me know that it’s time to move on. So onwards I go, with full confidence (you can let me know later if you actually believe that remark about full confidence) that there’s a reason why all this is happening. A couple of days ago my horoscope said “You may be feeling like the universe isn't on your side right now, Aries. But that feeling could probably be attributed to the hectic state of your life right now. You've had a lot on your plate for a long time, and with so little relief the stress and anxiety have worn you out.” REALLY??? Worn me out – that might be the biggest understatement of the decade. I feel like the universe is putting its big old boots to me; just giving me a giant kick in some direction that I’m not so sure I want to be travelling in. I realize that I’m looking for my path, but perhaps the trip to getting on that path might want to be just a little better paved, a few less bumps along the way would be appreciated!!
So here’s where I am at; this isn’t the first time that my career has taken a path that I wasn’t sure of. I work in an industry where you get bought and sold more often than a leaky sail boat! And every time I’ve had to take on a new role in a new organization, it has always been a great opportunity and I have always been grateful in the end for the new people that I have met and the new experiences that I have gained. So this is how I am approaching this chapter in my world. I need to be healthy and happy, so it’s time to find the right job and the right career that will help to get both of those things rolling once again. I know it, the universe knows it and whoever it is that is writing those horoscopes sure knows it too…several days after the above horoscope was posted my horoscope read “You can find the joy you want in your life. There is something that is blocking your path to finding it, though, and it is something you need to resolve internally. You are engaged in something difficult, or you haven't been able to forgive yourself for something. Address that issue, and you'll be on the path to happiness and serenity”. Look out world; happiness and serenity are on their way!! There are some things that I might need to figure out, but once I do there isn’t anything that can stop me! Today I’m focusing on what is currently right in my world, and there really is an abundance of things and people for which I am grateful. I figure if I can keep focusing on those things that are right, the ones that need to right themselves will fall into path!
In the past two weeks my 6 year old and I have been struck down with pneumonia, the 13 year old has bronchitis and just when I thought that the last man standing was going to be okay he came down with a terrible cough and an ear infection. A lesser woman would have caved under the pressure, but not me. I took 3 days off of work and headed back in to the office to find out that my career is kind of tanking, well maybe not so much tanking as it might just be in a "transitional stage"; but for whatever reason it looks like the universe is letting me know that it’s time to move on. So onwards I go, with full confidence (you can let me know later if you actually believe that remark about full confidence) that there’s a reason why all this is happening. A couple of days ago my horoscope said “You may be feeling like the universe isn't on your side right now, Aries. But that feeling could probably be attributed to the hectic state of your life right now. You've had a lot on your plate for a long time, and with so little relief the stress and anxiety have worn you out.” REALLY??? Worn me out – that might be the biggest understatement of the decade. I feel like the universe is putting its big old boots to me; just giving me a giant kick in some direction that I’m not so sure I want to be travelling in. I realize that I’m looking for my path, but perhaps the trip to getting on that path might want to be just a little better paved, a few less bumps along the way would be appreciated!!
So here’s where I am at; this isn’t the first time that my career has taken a path that I wasn’t sure of. I work in an industry where you get bought and sold more often than a leaky sail boat! And every time I’ve had to take on a new role in a new organization, it has always been a great opportunity and I have always been grateful in the end for the new people that I have met and the new experiences that I have gained. So this is how I am approaching this chapter in my world. I need to be healthy and happy, so it’s time to find the right job and the right career that will help to get both of those things rolling once again. I know it, the universe knows it and whoever it is that is writing those horoscopes sure knows it too…several days after the above horoscope was posted my horoscope read “You can find the joy you want in your life. There is something that is blocking your path to finding it, though, and it is something you need to resolve internally. You are engaged in something difficult, or you haven't been able to forgive yourself for something. Address that issue, and you'll be on the path to happiness and serenity”. Look out world; happiness and serenity are on their way!! There are some things that I might need to figure out, but once I do there isn’t anything that can stop me! Today I’m focusing on what is currently right in my world, and there really is an abundance of things and people for which I am grateful. I figure if I can keep focusing on those things that are right, the ones that need to right themselves will fall into path!
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
Gratitude and Satisfaction
People fascinate me! I spend a lot of time watching other people, trying to figure them out and hoping that maybe by understanding others in turn I will better understand myself. I really do believe that every person with whom we interact serves a purpose; that they are there at that exact moment as you for a reason. I guess that’s why I start up random conversations with strangers in stores and on trains (and even on Twitter). I’ll take any opportunity to understand someone, to listen to them tell a story and to try to understand a point of view, even the ones that I don’t share. But for all the talking that I do, and all the listening, I’m still quite baffled by our human experience. I’m baffled by our dissatisfaction with the life that we have been given when in reality we all have such a finite amount of time to be able to find gratitude and satisfaction in our lives.
Recently while on a break from jury duty selection I was sitting by the water fountain at Toronto’s City Hall; to my right was the exact spot where 21 years ago I sat with the boy that I would marry, it was the first time he ever held my hand. To my left was a couple, all dressed up and heading into City Hall to vow to love each other until death parts them. I sat there wondering what happens; what happens that takes that wonderful, impossible and unexplainable feeling that you feel for someone as you fall in love and turns it into something that no longer works, something with which we feel dissatisfied? I wonder why it is that some people cannot find it within themselves to nurture love and be grateful for its presence in their life. I don’t subscribe to the theory that people grow apart, I subscribe to the theory that we are all chasing an idea of what we think our life should look like, what our relationships should look like, that we are overlooking those things in our life that would bring others great satisfaction. Our lives are not scripts written in Hollywood, our life experience is so fraught with emotion; happiness, sadness, and great moments of inexplicable grief but onwards we go uncertain as to whether or not the happy ending is waiting for us at the end.
We should all be looking for satisfaction within the boundaries of the life that we have been given. I’m not perfect, and I don’t always find gratitude where I should, and I can’t always see the sun for the clouds in my own life. I have hurts from the past that often times feel like they will never heal themselves, but I do know that the soul knows how to heal itself, all we have to figure out is how to still our minds in order to allow the healing to begin. My life for the most part is organized chaos, and sometimes it’s unorganized chaos, and I’m still feeling like my life is currently out of order, but I trust that the universe is merely re-organizing things for me in order to give me a fresh start that will be better than ever and for that I am grateful and very satisfied.
Recently while on a break from jury duty selection I was sitting by the water fountain at Toronto’s City Hall; to my right was the exact spot where 21 years ago I sat with the boy that I would marry, it was the first time he ever held my hand. To my left was a couple, all dressed up and heading into City Hall to vow to love each other until death parts them. I sat there wondering what happens; what happens that takes that wonderful, impossible and unexplainable feeling that you feel for someone as you fall in love and turns it into something that no longer works, something with which we feel dissatisfied? I wonder why it is that some people cannot find it within themselves to nurture love and be grateful for its presence in their life. I don’t subscribe to the theory that people grow apart, I subscribe to the theory that we are all chasing an idea of what we think our life should look like, what our relationships should look like, that we are overlooking those things in our life that would bring others great satisfaction. Our lives are not scripts written in Hollywood, our life experience is so fraught with emotion; happiness, sadness, and great moments of inexplicable grief but onwards we go uncertain as to whether or not the happy ending is waiting for us at the end.
We should all be looking for satisfaction within the boundaries of the life that we have been given. I’m not perfect, and I don’t always find gratitude where I should, and I can’t always see the sun for the clouds in my own life. I have hurts from the past that often times feel like they will never heal themselves, but I do know that the soul knows how to heal itself, all we have to figure out is how to still our minds in order to allow the healing to begin. My life for the most part is organized chaos, and sometimes it’s unorganized chaos, and I’m still feeling like my life is currently out of order, but I trust that the universe is merely re-organizing things for me in order to give me a fresh start that will be better than ever and for that I am grateful and very satisfied.
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
Thanks for the Message
I think that the universe is trying to look out for me. I've definitely been going through a rough patch lately (yes, I know, you've heard this before) but I'm lost. I'm still confused as to what I want and how I get there, struggling with sadness and anger. But a funny thing has been happening lately. The universe is sending me messages!
My horoscope has been so incredibly bang on lately that it defies logic. I read it daily and think "that's crazy". I don't even really believe in horoscopes and reading it is something that I've done since I was a kid mostly out of habit. But lately it has become almost scary! Recently my horoscope on a particularly bad day talked about David battelling Goliath and it read "But take heart. Even though you may feel like you've totally tired yourself out, and lost your spirit, and you want to give up, you will soon feel a wave of inspiration and the strength of mind and body to go with it. The heavens are looking out for you. Don't forget, dear Aries, that David won".
Then today came an email, reminding me that the universe sends funny messages in all kinds of ways. I got the email from a friend, we'll just call her 'H' and tonight while saying prayers with her daughters she asked them if there was anyone special they wanted to include in tonight's prayers and her oldest daughter said "yes, Auntie Ana". When H asked why she said "I just want to ask God to look out for her". Thank you sweet girl for listening to the universe and for sending a prayer, I am filled with gratitude!
You all know that I'm a deep believer in the universe and I try really hard to listen to the messages that the universe is sending me in order to help me be where I am supposed to be, so sending out a huge thank you to the universe for the prayers and the reminders that I am far stronger than the emotions that I am currently struggling with!
Sending you all blessings tonight, thank you to all of you who continue to send me positive energy and beautiful prayers!
Ana
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
April
Today is my birthday, I got up this morning and cried for a half hour, struggling with another year having passed and feeling like I'm not where I want to be. I wish that could feel happy, wish that could see my birthday as a celebration and not just a reminder of sad times.
Throughout the day though my blackberry was relentless! Messages from friends came through all day on Facebook, Email and Twitter. Reminding me again that I'm not alone on this path. That I'm surrounded by people who love me and are watching and wishing me well along this journey.
By the end of the day I was feeling exponentially happier. It's going to be hard to get through April. In a few days it will be what would have been my 18th wedding anniversary, still a difficult thing to accept, still a hard day to get through. But I have little doubt that the special people in my life will be there to prop me up and get me through the day, like they always do.
Thanks to everyone in my life that helps me to get through the rough patches! I appreciate you and love you and I am glad that you are with me on my journey.
Throughout the day though my blackberry was relentless! Messages from friends came through all day on Facebook, Email and Twitter. Reminding me again that I'm not alone on this path. That I'm surrounded by people who love me and are watching and wishing me well along this journey.
By the end of the day I was feeling exponentially happier. It's going to be hard to get through April. In a few days it will be what would have been my 18th wedding anniversary, still a difficult thing to accept, still a hard day to get through. But I have little doubt that the special people in my life will be there to prop me up and get me through the day, like they always do.
Thanks to everyone in my life that helps me to get through the rough patches! I appreciate you and love you and I am glad that you are with me on my journey.
Monday, 26 March 2012
Forgiveness
I had the hardest time sleeping last night. Yesterday afternoon, while having lunch with someone who has become very important in my life, he told me that I needed to stop being angry about the past. Of course I defended myself and said that I didn't think that I was angry, but last night as I was desperately trying to get to sleep, I couldn't shake the feeling that maybe he was right. Maybe everything that I've been feeling lately can be attributed to anger. I told my friend that I was angry for the boys, but not myself, but the more I thought about it, the more I stared to realize that he was right!
I'm a deep believer in karma, and now I'm seeing that for the past year and a half I have been throwing anger out to the world, and that is what I have been getting back in return. I think I needed the reality check. I don't really have any reason to be angry. My marriage did not work out! Did I want for it to? Probably more than I'll ever want anything again in my life. But I get to be the master of my future; I get to decide how it plays out and whether losing out on my marriage means losing out on my life. So, if my friend is reading this, thank you (yes, I know - you were right). I refuse to let the past guide how I live the future. No more anger, time to offer out forgiveness and to get on with the building of what I know will be a beautiful future.
Enjoy this beautiful day everyone, and if there's someone out there who you need to forgive, do it! Set yourself free!!
I'm a deep believer in karma, and now I'm seeing that for the past year and a half I have been throwing anger out to the world, and that is what I have been getting back in return. I think I needed the reality check. I don't really have any reason to be angry. My marriage did not work out! Did I want for it to? Probably more than I'll ever want anything again in my life. But I get to be the master of my future; I get to decide how it plays out and whether losing out on my marriage means losing out on my life. So, if my friend is reading this, thank you (yes, I know - you were right). I refuse to let the past guide how I live the future. No more anger, time to offer out forgiveness and to get on with the building of what I know will be a beautiful future.
Enjoy this beautiful day everyone, and if there's someone out there who you need to forgive, do it! Set yourself free!!
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