New Thoughts

On  our honeymoon my ex and I were in Costa Rica, spending two weeks in various different locations throughout the country.  We spent a week in the Rain Forest and on the day that we left our guide picked us up in a small, aluminium fishing boat in order to take us back to civilization.  As we started our journey down the river we were told that where the river empties into the ocean that the waves could be quite high.  I don’t think any of us on that boat were prepared for how rough it was going to be to get that boat from the river into the ocean.  I’ve thought a lot about that day in the last few weeks; that experience has been very similar to how 2012 has emptied into 2013.  The waves have been enormous and there are times that if I could, I would just turn this boat around; sit on a quiet shore and try to sort it all out before heading back out.

I receive daily emails from the Universe (compliments of TUT.com) and last week my email said “Believe me, I know all about it.  I know the stress.  I know the frustration…Ana, we worked this out ahead of time.  They’re part of the plan.  We knew this stuff might happen.  Actually, you insisted they be triggered whenever you were ready to begin thinking thoughts you’ve never thought before.”  

This really resonated with me because I know that it is time to start to think some new thoughts as I try to figure out the plan forward, it really is time to rebuild and to start to find some stability again. So I am wondering, what are the thoughts, because my brain feels like a blank canvas these days.  Someone recently told me that everyone has a hidden agenda or a plan; something that they are working towards and how they think it is going to all turn out.  My problem is that there is no plan; not personally nor professionally.  When I look into the future I don’t see a thing, I can’t imagine where I’m heading or what I want.  

I’ve written about this before, when my ex and I split up he pulled the rug right out from under me and I have been left without a plan, even the beginnings of how to put that plan together completely elude me.  I lie awake at night and stare at the sky and try to start to consider what the future might look like and I can’t even fathom it, it looks like a vast space with absolutely nothing in it.  The only things in my life that I can think forward thinking thoughts about are the boys, because the wonderment of what those beautiful little creatures may grow into is just too exciting to not be able to imagine.

I know that it is time to rebuild, but I haven’t got a clue where you start because in order to rebuild means that I have to start to trust and believe again and that is not so easily done.  It would mean that it is time to start to put my faith and belief back in other people, to ask for help when I need it and to not live in my little corner of the world determined to just do it all alone, and to be honest, I’m not sure that I’m ready to start to let people in enough that I depend on them.  I’m expecting great things in 2013, regardless of how this year has started.  I don’t make resolutions for new years, but I do enjoy the anticipation of a fresh start and the chance to start to think new thoughts…the Universe tells me it’s time…  guess I had better get going.  Happy New Year Everyone.

Losing a Friend, and the Lessons I Learned!

Sometimes people come into our lives for a very specific reason.  This week I lost a wonderful friend who came into my life to teach me how to transcend, how to rise above the circumstance and find a way to be grateful for what I was given.  She came into my life over 22 years ago as a supervisor at my first office job and over the course of the past 22 years she became one of my best friends, teaching me some of the greatest lessons I've ever learned on my path.

She married late in life and had a beautiful son; one of those children that you know are magical from the first moment you are able to have a conversation with them, he had an incredible love of nature and animals.  Sadly he wasn't meant to be here on our path with us for a long time and passed away when he was only 5 years old.  In life there are moments that penetrate your mind so clearly that they always feel like they just happened, like a sore that never heals.  One of those moments is the evening that I got the phone call that her son had died  I will never forget getting off the phone and going into my sons room and seeing his father lying there while Daniel slept, crying over what an unimaginable thing had just happened.  Our son slept in our bed that night, neither of us slept though, unable to imagine how my friend would get through the magnitude of her grief.

Over the course of grieving for her son, many of us gathered strength from her.  She was wounded, but she rallied to move her life forward and to celebrate the gift that her son had been in her life.  She set up a memorial fund in his name, raising funds for kids who are wards of the Children’s Aid Society to get a post secondary education, and eventually went on to adopt a daughter from abroad.

She is my hero!  Over the course of the last two years, through the ups and downs of my own life, she has been there.  Battling cancer the entire time, but always one of my loudest cheerleaders.  When I felt that things looked bleakest, I always thought of what she had been through in her own life; how much she had had to overcome and the grace and grattitude that she always exhibited in her own life.  On our girls nights out, her laughter was always the loudest, her joy in being surrounded by people who loved her always so clear.

Last year she posted on Facebook that she was thinking of her son and her daughter, and that she was so tired.  After everyone rallied her with messages of strength and love she replied “I would live it all again in a heartbeat because to change any of it might change all of it and there are too many beautiful moments in the midst of all this". But that is how she lived her life, full of gratitude for what the world had given her.  She is my eternal guide to gratitude, to finding beauty in a world that isn’t always beautiful, to being a mother and a friend.  I am grateful today that the universe brought this beautiful soul into my life and I am grateful that today heaven holds an extra angel that is watching over me and my boys. 

Love you F, may you rest in peace.

 

Rough Mommy Days - Or Are they???

I would like the email address of whoever it was who created Halloween!  What kind of a crazy person designs a holiday where kids get to get all spooked (read hyper) and dressed up and they get to inhale bags of candy (read hyper again)?  I'll tell you for sure that this holiday was created by a man who did not have children!  With absolute certainty, it wasn't created by the single mother of three boys!

Today started out as most Saturdays do for me when I have the boys.  We have a quiet breakfast, we go grocery shopping and we run errands.  However, today the minute those boys stepped into the Superstore and saw all the Halloween costumes, candies and decorations - that was it.  That was around 9am, it's currently 6pm and they are still hyper.

I love Halloween, I actually decorate the whole house; inside and out.  But the boys and I have a huge challenge that we face every year.  You see, I like Halloween, I appreciate the whole witches and ghost thing.  But I don't subscribe to the whole "blood and gore" aspect of Halloween.  I never let my eldest wear costumes that I thought were outside the realm of what I thought was appropriate (he keeps talking about a friends mom who is a Halloween control freak, but I think that really he's talking about me).  It has already started with Lucas, he wants to be something "scary" and I just don't like the idea...so what we have here is a Halloween standoff.  He refuses to want the costumes that I like and I refuse to buy the costumes that he likes.  I'm going to win this one...that little boy has no money and assuming that he would like to partake in the holiday then I'm going to have the last word. 

I'm trying to be patient, but I just looked up from writing my blog to see that the three year old has stripped down naked and drawn "tattoo's" all over his body.  God grant me the strength to get through Halloween, because when this holiday of candy infused craziness finally ends that other holiday is at our door; and I can't even begin to explain to you the craziness that ensues at my house during that particular holiday. 

The next three months will fly by, and there will be a lot of craziness but there will be many more beautiful memories made.  Time, as always, continues to bring my life more into focus.  The crazy comes with the great and this time of year for every moment of complete insanity there is a moment of perfect beauty and awe.  I'm looking forward to taking them all in stride; afterall I am a very proud tired mom.

And Suddenly it Settles

A funny thing has been happening lately, the journey has gotten exponentially easier.  From day to day, week to week it all appears to be getting easier; and as it becomes easier it has become more enjoyable. 

About a week ago a feeling of peace settled in my life, a feeling like it's all finally okay.  The boys are all in school full days now and its amazing how it feels to know that they are having full days involved in school work and that I'm not so reliant on help from others to manage the boys throughout the day.  And when I get home at the end of the day, it's a pleasure to see them and to spend time with them.  All three boys are getting older, and as they grow they bring me more joy.  Just as I wrote months ago, the journey of raising my boys gets better with each passing week; time continues to make the experience that much more wonderful.

And then there's the process of getting divorced, we are still absolutely nowhere near being finalized with that.  But it no longer concerns me the way that it once did.  I have a full, wonderful life and he has his.  We are both travelling in opposite directions, further and further apart with only the boys to keep us connected in any way.  I have made peace with the fact that he is no longer the man that I married and that I loved;  that man no longer exists, but I'm okay with that.  His role in my life was to give me my beautiful sons, once they were all in my world there was no longer a role for him in my journey.  There isn't a gift more significant in this world than what he gave to me.  The boys are my joy, my pride and the most magical thing that I have ever, or will ever, be a part of.

And lastly there is my little secret of the past year, a wonderful new man in my life.  Someone who makes me laugh, and makes me feel beautiful and who is the first person in my life who has ever been able to make me slow down.  I'm grateful that we found our way into each others lives, and while the relationship is still relatively new, I am open to whatever the experience of having him in my world will bring, and am exponentially grateful for the quiet that he instills in me.  He is the first person in my life who isn't always in a hurry to be somewhere, or to do something, and I'm grateful that this is a skill that, believe it or not, I am learning from him. 

So, today I am filled once again with gratitude; my cup runneth over.  There is so much in my world for which I am grateful, many of those things I overlooked for years.  But now it appears that a part of learning to slow down is allowing me to finally see the things in my world that are nothing short of gracious blessings and I am filled with the desire to keep learning and growing while I find my path.  The path will continue to have its twists and turns, and no two routes are ever going to be the same.  The important thing will never be the final destination, it will always be the journey.  I am happy to report that my journey is quite remarkable and I am enjoying every moment along the way.

Creating the Path for Yourself!

I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to the idea that finding my path might really be a lot less about letting the universe guide me where I am supposed to go and more about building the path that I see my life following.  I grew up in a very traditional European, Catholic family and people laugh when I say it, but in my parents house as a female I was either leaving that house in a white dress or a coffin.  Moving out on your own was something that was unheard of, I’m proud of the girls in my family who have since broken that mould and ventured out to start to create their own rules.  Part of the dynamic of growing up in that kind of an environment is that you always do what you feel is best for the collective good. Rarely do you think about doing what is best for you, especially if what whatyou feel is best will affect the peace within the family.

 Here’s something new for consideration, I’m grateful that my marriage fell apart.  I loved my husband with everything that I had, but I’m not sure that he and I were ever really right for one another.  Our union gave me three beautiful sons, who are the loves of my life, and I will be eternally grateful that our paths crossed.  But with the dissolution of my marriage came an opportunity to forge a new path that is right for me.  I’m old enough now, confident enough now that the decisions that I make get to be those that are in my best interest and I really don’t care about what the rest of the world thinks of those decisions.  It’s the first time in my life that I feel free to take responsibility for my own decisions and to do what feels right for me, and having taken 41 years to get here, I can tell you that the feeling is really quite awsome.

I continue on my path, the whole time feeling the wonderment at finally feeling like any decisions that feel right will be right regardless of what they are.  Lessons will be learned, some will come easily and some will come harder. The people who love me will always have my back, and I in turn will always have theirs.  In my life today I’m stronger because I have been week, I am fearless because I have been afraid and I am wise because I have been foolish.  I am an exponentially stronger woman today than I was two years ago; sometimes you have to travel a very long way to find what was always right there beside you.

Find your path, build a path that will guide your life into what you want for your life to be.  Let no one ever deter you from being where the universe meant for you to be, love shamelessly and with reckless abandon.  Yes I mean you; I know you know who you are!

Oh No!! The "Teenage Years" Are Here!!

I think that I figured something out today...the "teenage years" have arrived at my house.  For the first time ever my teenager "ignored me".  Completely just disregarded what I was saying even though I was screaming it at the top of my voice in the same room as him.  And then he tried to justify why he was ignoring me.  So, after I finally clarified which of the two of us was the boss in this particular relationship (that would me be) he stormed away.  And then I started to think!  Oh no, I'm going to have to do this twice...just as I'm finally over the rough time of having a teenager, my other two boys will be entering the dreaded teenage years.  And it didn't end there, I realized that as soon as I was finally through the teenage years with the two younger ones, the older one might be starting a family and then I would be "GASP" a grandmother.  That's when I realized what I've suspected for years...this is never going to be over.  I'm going to be raising children, loving children, worrying endlessly FOREVER!! 

I love these little boys, and I love almost every phase that they go through.  I'm even able to see the humour (now) in last Thursday nights mishap where the three year old decided to dump three bottles of paint all over the coffee table and the carpet.  It was funny...ha ha...see I'm enjoying the whole experience for sure.  My poor sister however, who was at my place during the paint debacle, might still not be over the drama that ensued.  As I scraped the paint into a bowl (yes, there was that much paint), the three year old started screaming and crying that I was ruining his painting. 

So, I'm trying to enjoy it all; while I realize that it isn't going to get funamentally easier for some time to come.  I told my six year old that when they were all grown that I wanted to move to Paris and he said "cool, I can't wait to move to Paris with you".  Loving them, working hard to try to just try to accept the things that happen in the manner in which they happen.  There are going to be things that I can control, and things that will always be out of my control and the sooner that I make peace with that, the sooner my life will feel peaceful. 

What an adventure!  The path is completely crazy and bumpy but there are a multitude of rewards at the end.  The boys are my biggest reward, at the end of all the hard work they'll always be there waiting.

Loving the road, working hard to accept it as it comes at me. 

Running...and Finally Catching Up

Holy Smokes...talk about running a million miles an hour these days.  My mind is constantly flying and I'm surprised that I manage to sleep at all these days.  I recently had a terrible night, I tossed and turned for hours and finally decided at 4am that the best thing that I could do for myself was to get out of bed and make a list of all the things that were floating around in my head that were causing all this sleeplessness.  The list was long, I realised that over the past two years anything that was difficult has been getting relegated to the "take care of it when I have time" pile and things were quickly starting to add up.  So I've been addressing all those items that have been being added to my list, slowly ticking things off and the feeling is so wonderful.  I had forgotten what it was like to go a day without something in the back of your mind sounding alarm bells; it's such a wonderful thing to be checking things off my list.

The last month involved a lot of thought about my career and what I wanted to be doing.  Although it wasn't an easy decision to make I've decided that the best thing that I can do for myself is to take a step back.  For years I was an Executive Assistant and to be honest, I love the role.  I love helping others and getting to know people and this role offers me an opportunity to operate within my comfort zone.  I realised that for now, the greatest thing that I can give to myself is a healthy work-life balance, there will be time later for growing my career and trying new things.  For now the priority should be my life and the lives of my little boys.  We need time, lots of time, and I'm okay with that.  So, starting Tuesday I'm back to a job that I love, helping people who I already know and respect and I'm glad that my life offers me opportunities from time  to time for a "do over".

I'm grateful that this summer I've had lots of time to spend on the beach with my babies, and happy to spend some time just starting to get to know me a little better.  By understanding myself better, I'll understand those around me better and slowly I'll keep travelling the path.  I'm already having fun, I fully anticipate that it will continue to get better and better.  Thanks for following everyone!