Tuesday, 29 January 2013

New Thoughts

On  our honeymoon my ex and I were in Costa Rica, spending two weeks in various different locations throughout the country.  We spent a week in the Rain Forest and on the day that we left our guide picked us up in a small, aluminium fishing boat in order to take us back to civilization.  As we started our journey down the river we were told that where the river empties into the ocean that the waves could be quite high.  I don’t think any of us on that boat were prepared for how rough it was going to be to get that boat from the river into the ocean.  I’ve thought a lot about that day in the last few weeks; that experience has been very similar to how 2012 has emptied into 2013.  The waves have been enormous and there are times that if I could, I would just turn this boat around; sit on a quiet shore and try to sort it all out before heading back out.

I receive daily emails from the Universe (compliments of TUT.com) and last week my email said “Believe me, I know all about it.  I know the stress.  I know the frustration…Ana, we worked this out ahead of time.  They’re part of the plan.  We knew this stuff might happen.  Actually, you insisted they be triggered whenever you were ready to begin thinking thoughts you’ve never thought before.”  

This really resonated with me because I know that it is time to start to think some new thoughts as I try to figure out the plan forward, it really is time to rebuild and to start to find some stability again. So I am wondering, what are the thoughts, because my brain feels like a blank canvas these days.  Someone recently told me that everyone has a hidden agenda or a plan; something that they are working towards and how they think it is going to all turn out.  My problem is that there is no plan; not personally nor professionally.  When I look into the future I don’t see a thing, I can’t imagine where I’m heading or what I want.  

I’ve written about this before, when my ex and I split up he pulled the rug right out from under me and I have been left without a plan, even the beginnings of how to put that plan together completely elude me.  I lie awake at night and stare at the sky and try to start to consider what the future might look like and I can’t even fathom it, it looks like a vast space with absolutely nothing in it.  The only things in my life that I can think forward thinking thoughts about are the boys, because the wonderment of what those beautiful little creatures may grow into is just too exciting to not be able to imagine.

I know that it is time to rebuild, but I haven’t got a clue where you start because in order to rebuild means that I have to start to trust and believe again and that is not so easily done.  It would mean that it is time to start to put my faith and belief back in other people, to ask for help when I need it and to not live in my little corner of the world determined to just do it all alone, and to be honest, I’m not sure that I’m ready to start to let people in enough that I depend on them.  I’m expecting great things in 2013, regardless of how this year has started.  I don’t make resolutions for new years, but I do enjoy the anticipation of a fresh start and the chance to start to think new thoughts…the Universe tells me it’s time…  guess I had better get going.  Happy New Year Everyone.

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