Forgiveness

I had the hardest time sleeping last night. Yesterday afternoon, while having lunch with someone who has become very important in my life, he told me that I needed to stop being angry about the past. Of course I defended myself and said that I didn't think that I was angry, but last night as I was desperately trying to get to sleep, I couldn't shake the feeling that maybe he was right. Maybe everything that I've been feeling lately can be attributed to anger. I told my friend that I was angry for the boys, but not myself, but the more I thought about it, the more I stared to realize that he was right!


I'm a deep believer in karma, and now I'm seeing that for the past year and a half I have been throwing anger out to the world, and that is what I have been getting back in return. I think I needed the reality check. I don't really have any reason to be angry. My marriage did not work out! Did I want for it to? Probably more than I'll ever want anything again in my life. But I get to be the master of my future; I get to decide how it plays out and whether losing out on my marriage means losing out on my life. So, if my friend is reading this, thank you (yes, I know - you were right). I refuse to let the past guide how I live the future. No more anger, time to offer out forgiveness and to get on with the building of what I know will be a beautiful future.


Enjoy this beautiful day everyone, and if there's someone out there who you need to forgive, do it! Set yourself free!!

Spring

Spring in Toronto this year certainly came in a magnificent hurry.  Last week we were wearing our winter coats and this week I have been sending the boys to school in shorts and golf shirts.  I’m amazed by how quickly my garden is blooming and once again this year (please, stop me if you’ve heard this before) I’m going to make that garden wonderful.  I think I might be lying; in a world full of people with green thumbs I would say that mine is maybe purple, red or orange – almost any colour other than green.  My mother once told me that I was a plant assassin; I fear that perhaps she is right.

But regardless of how it goes, I’m trying hard to embrace spring as an opportunity for growth and rebirth and to remember every time that I see something new sprout from under the ground that anything is possible.  If those beautiful flowers can lie dormant, under the cold, hard ground for several months and still find their way out into the sunshine, then surely I can as well.

I think that it’s time to revisit my goals for this year and to start to really think about what it is that I want to accomplish this year and how I envision the end of this year.  Where do I want to be, who do I want to be with and where do I want to be in my life?  I’ve started making lists of various projects that I would like to accomplish this year; just small things around the house.  I want to continue to make that space feel more and more like it’s my home, the home that I alone built for me and the boys.  I’m still confident that it’s going to be a great year, it’s off to a bit of a rocky start, but I still have 9 months to make it great. 

Earlier this week Tosca Reno tweeted “If we feel out of sorts, antsy, restless or weird, look for answers inside not outside.  The answers are in YOU already.  You already know”.  And I think that perhaps I already do.

Remember, every time you see a plant or a flower pushing through the ground, you are as strong and as wonderful as that flower.

Hard Times!

It feels like spring in Toronto these days, and I’m glad the weather is so nice as I’m going to be taking the rest of this week off to spend time with the boys while they are off for March Break.  I have affectionately started referring to the boys as “my noise”.  I love my boys, as those of you who read my blog regularly already know.  They are my universe, but they make me more than just a little bit crazy about 75% of the time (they sleep the other 25%), most especially on days like today when I call my mother to check on the boys and I get an earful about how misbehaved they are being.

Recently I have had a number of conversations with other mothers about the reality of my life right now and how on most days if feels a little out of control, I can tell you that my current lifestyle is not entirely fantastic.  From time to time some well intentioned mother or grandmother in a store will tell me to “enjoy the boys while they are small, the time passes too quickly and these years are the best that I will have.”   I always smile, agree and thank them, and then I think to myself “I can’t go on if this is as good as it gets”.  I refuse to believe that my life will never get better than changing diapers, listening to children scream, hearing my 12 year old tell me how much he hates his little brother, tantrums, meals that go uneaten and children who do not understand when it is just time to go to sleep.  I believe that the day will come where I will be able to sit down at a table with my three beautiful boys and enjoy a meal and a quiet conversation without even one time having to say “please chew with your mouth shut”.  I believe that one day I will spend an entire evening with the boys where I won’t have to ask any one of them to please stop what they are doing to their brother.  I believe that at some point I will enjoy going home after a day of work instead of dreading the thought of how noisy and hectic my evening is going to be.  And I really, really, really want to believe that one day my neighbour (Cara, I hope you read this blog) has a day that she doesn’t think even one time “what on earth is going on next door”.

I think that as mothers there is so much pressure on us to love every moment of being a mother to our small children regardless of how hard the job is.  I think sometimes that mothers of grown children conveniently forget how hard and frustrating the job of caring for small children can be.  I love my boys, I enjoy them for what they are and almost every day when I reflect on my day, I think about how lucky I am that those three beautiful creatures are a part of my world.  I know that I am lucky to have them.  But not for a moment do I believe that these are the happiest and most fulfilling days of my life.  Those wonderful boys are only going to get better and as I figure things out for myself my whole world will continue to improve.

I would encourage well intentioned grandmothers and mothers that perhaps when they see a mother at a grocery store with her small children that perhaps they should acknowledge that raising children is a hard job; as a working mother I can certainly tell you that I would get more out of hearing another mother tell me that parenting is the hardest job in the world than to hear one tell me that from where they are currently at in their lives (i.e. looking fondly back at the time that has passed) it’s the best time of my life.

I am looking forward to it getting great and my boys are the biggest part of that greatness.  For all you moms with small children out there reading my blog, these are hard days; enjoy them for what they are, but it will certainly continue to get better.  You may look back one day and miss kissing little toes and snuggling with small sleeping babies, but remember to never forget how hard the job was and to acknowledge to another mother that it is hard work, that mothers are not always perfect and most of us do not love being mothers 100% of the time.  Our babies are well worth the work and I can’t wait to be able to sit and look back and think that I made it through, that the job was tough but in the end I raised three sensitive, beautiful and wonderful men.

Stormy Day

I woke up this morning to a dark, stormy day in Toronto and although I hate to admit it, the weather reflects my mood perfectly!  After almost three weeks with the boys (that's three weeks of crazy evenings, restless nights, hectic mornings and lots of noise) finally got a break last night when the boys went to spend the night at their dads.  This morning I woke up to quiet, a clean house and coffee already brewing in the machine...but I missed the boys.

I wonder sometimes if other parents who share custody feel the same way, desperate for a break and when the break comes, you find yourself desperate for your children.  I felt awful yesterday when I got home from work and Lucas said "we go to Daddy today mommy and you get to have a break".  I'm a little sad that the little monster knows that need a break...today when get home I'm going to make sure that all three boys know that although the break is nice and welcome, I miss them terribly when they are not with me!

Hope the storm passes over soon and the sun comes out!

Have a great day everyone!

Not Looking Back

I realized recently that I spend an inordinate amount of time looking backwards.  I daydream about the past, the people in it, the events that transpired (the good and the bad) and I think that perhaps only now am I realizing that while sometimes it’s nice to reminisce about the past, the future lies in the future and no amount of looking back is going to propel me forward.

My other major downfall over the last little while has been looking to others for validation when the only person whose validation really matters is my own.  While the boys are the centre of my universe, they won’t think very much of the woman that I am unless I think the world of myself.

So here it is, two months into the year that I waited for and anticipated would be the year in which it all finally changed and I’ve spent so much time looking back and seeking the validation of others when I should only have been looking at myself and looking straight ahead into the future.

One of my favourite quotes by Audrey Hepburn is “Nothing is missing when you’re not looking back.  Move forward, always forward”.  So there it is, time to move forward.  No more looking back, no more wondering what if.  Time to remember that whatever is meant for me has already been determined in my life and the only way to honour the beautiful life that I have been given is to get myself on the path that I was mean to be on and to live life to the fullest of my ability; time to stop waiting for others to fix things and others to fix me.

I think that I can see that path up ahead, instead of walking there with uncertainty while looking back and seeking validation, its time to start running towards it.