I wanted to start my blog by thanking all of you who read the first entry and those of you who have asked me (several times) where the second blog entry was....so for those of you who asked, here it is.
I'm trying desperately this year to get ready for Christmas; but I think that there's an energy that is clearly working against me, Christmas is not what it used to be. And for me, Christmas holds a bit of a feeling of failure, the reality of what Christmas is for me and my kids right now is not entirely what I always imagined for us. I think about Christmas' past and how much they meant to me, how important it was to make it a magical time of the year for my family and my boys. My sister used to say that if you gave me an apple and a cinnimon stick that I would decorate your house for Christmas because that is how much I loved Christmas and got into the whole thing. Then I think about this Christmas, the first one the boys will celebrate without their father, and I'm terrified of how that's going to play out. When I was 12 years old my father had a minor stroke the day that school let out for Christmas Holidays, and Christmas Eve came and he was still in the hospital. This year Christmas for me feels very much like that Christmas all those years ago, as my brother, my sister and I opened our presents there was no real joy, something was missing and it was very emotional for all of us. This year, I'm worried that same feeling will be felt by my own boys and I'm tripping all over myself tyring to come up with ways to make it not that way.
So onwards I go, like mothers do, working as hard as I can to make sure that everything is just right. This year the Christmas Tree goes right to the ceiling, I've worked hard to make sure that although there are fewer gifts this year, they are just what the boys want, I have a great Christmas morning breakfast planned and our usual family Christmas dinner will go ahead with the boys Uncle who has been with us at Christmas every year since they were born.
So that discomfort that I mentioned in the first blog, it's back! Not sure the direction this is going to take or if I'm on path, but I'm determined to make it okay for now. Not just for the boys, but for me too. I always had an image in my head of Christmas in my home, only now that image isn't something that is realistic. I imagine a house full of family and friends and loud music. Lots of food and laughter. So that is the goal, to somehow get myself to that place again, where I can picture a house that hosts those kinds of parties and holds that kind of joy. I read an article in the Globe this week, a daughter writing about the 50 year tradition in her family of Christmas Carol parties and it made me cry. That's the life I envisioned for myself, for my family and right now it isn't a possiblity. But my path will take me there for certain, and if I follow my path and continue to trust the universe that there is a plan for me I know that the life that I envisioned is the one waiting...at the end of the path.
Merry Christmas Everyone. Wishing you all a ton of joy this holiday and a world full of laughter in the new year.
Wednesday 21 December 2011
Friday 5 August 2011
Changing Directions
I don't think that starting my own blog was something that I ever thought that I would undertake. I've often thought about writing stories, or a column, to submit to local magazines. Writing is in my nature. I grew up with a need to write from a very early age, always journaling, writing poetry and stories. But life sometimes takes us in new directions and we don't always end up exactly where we thought that we would. So here I am today, as my life undertakes a huge directional change from the life that I had a year ago; married to a man I loved, a full time working mother of three very beautiful boys (11, 4 and 1) to the life that I have today; a single, full time working mother of three beautiful boys. That same husband from a year ago that I loved; well he now lives in a lovely condo north of my home, right across the street from his girlfriend!
August 10th will mark the one year anniversary of the day I found the text message that finally led me to telling my husband to pack his things and get out of my house. I'm not an irrational woman, I'm just a woman who finally realized that if I knew about three affairs, there were others and while love may be blind I didn't want to be any longer. A lot has happened since that day; although we're still very much in a transitional place when it comes to the actual divorce proceedings, we live two very separate lives. I have custody of our boys, and he has regular visitation. I was able to keep my own home and am grateful that I'm smart enough and gainfully employed enough, that I can do this. I know a lot of women would not have been so fortunate.
So as I try to figure it all out, I imagine that there are numerous women out there in the same boat as myself, so I'm willing to share my experiences in the hopes that I can help someone out there, but that in turn maybe some of you can help me also. I don't know a lot about where life will lead me, the one thing that I'm finding is that when you've been with someone for half of your life you carry in your mind an image of what your future will be. When that person turns out to be someone different than who you thought that they were and that relationship ends, they take with them what you imagined the future to look like. Today I'm completely unable to imagine what my future looks like, and the thought of making plans anything more that a week out leaves me in a state of angst. One of my closest friends has generously offered to take me to Argentina in January, she will pay my airfare with flight points and we would stay with a friend of hers in Argentina so the trip would be practically free for me. However, to plan something 6 months out almost feels like an impossible task to me. The future that was once so clear is now just a muddy haze.
But here is the one thing that I do know for sure; I know that in life we are all destined to be on a certain path. As much as we all may want to believe that we are in control, we are not. Our individual path is the one that we must be on, the path that will lead us where we are meant to be. When we begin to feel great amounts of discomfort in our lives it is simply because we have come off path. The end of my marriage was fraught with discomfort, we loved each other, but we were not happy any longer. Perhaps his role in my path was to give me my 3 beautiful sons, once that was done we were both drifting off path.
I encourage all of you to find your path if your life no longer feels comfortable, allow yourself to get back on the right path. Finding that path is the trick, but I have full confidence that I will find mine and I am certain that you will find yours as well.
Until next time, sending joy and happiness and hoping that you are able to find your path and get back on
August 10th will mark the one year anniversary of the day I found the text message that finally led me to telling my husband to pack his things and get out of my house. I'm not an irrational woman, I'm just a woman who finally realized that if I knew about three affairs, there were others and while love may be blind I didn't want to be any longer. A lot has happened since that day; although we're still very much in a transitional place when it comes to the actual divorce proceedings, we live two very separate lives. I have custody of our boys, and he has regular visitation. I was able to keep my own home and am grateful that I'm smart enough and gainfully employed enough, that I can do this. I know a lot of women would not have been so fortunate.
So as I try to figure it all out, I imagine that there are numerous women out there in the same boat as myself, so I'm willing to share my experiences in the hopes that I can help someone out there, but that in turn maybe some of you can help me also. I don't know a lot about where life will lead me, the one thing that I'm finding is that when you've been with someone for half of your life you carry in your mind an image of what your future will be. When that person turns out to be someone different than who you thought that they were and that relationship ends, they take with them what you imagined the future to look like. Today I'm completely unable to imagine what my future looks like, and the thought of making plans anything more that a week out leaves me in a state of angst. One of my closest friends has generously offered to take me to Argentina in January, she will pay my airfare with flight points and we would stay with a friend of hers in Argentina so the trip would be practically free for me. However, to plan something 6 months out almost feels like an impossible task to me. The future that was once so clear is now just a muddy haze.
But here is the one thing that I do know for sure; I know that in life we are all destined to be on a certain path. As much as we all may want to believe that we are in control, we are not. Our individual path is the one that we must be on, the path that will lead us where we are meant to be. When we begin to feel great amounts of discomfort in our lives it is simply because we have come off path. The end of my marriage was fraught with discomfort, we loved each other, but we were not happy any longer. Perhaps his role in my path was to give me my 3 beautiful sons, once that was done we were both drifting off path.
I encourage all of you to find your path if your life no longer feels comfortable, allow yourself to get back on the right path. Finding that path is the trick, but I have full confidence that I will find mine and I am certain that you will find yours as well.
Until next time, sending joy and happiness and hoping that you are able to find your path and get back on
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