Losing a Friend, and the Lessons I Learned!

Sometimes people come into our lives for a very specific reason.  This week I lost a wonderful friend who came into my life to teach me how to transcend, how to rise above the circumstance and find a way to be grateful for what I was given.  She came into my life over 22 years ago as a supervisor at my first office job and over the course of the past 22 years she became one of my best friends, teaching me some of the greatest lessons I've ever learned on my path.

She married late in life and had a beautiful son; one of those children that you know are magical from the first moment you are able to have a conversation with them, he had an incredible love of nature and animals.  Sadly he wasn't meant to be here on our path with us for a long time and passed away when he was only 5 years old.  In life there are moments that penetrate your mind so clearly that they always feel like they just happened, like a sore that never heals.  One of those moments is the evening that I got the phone call that her son had died  I will never forget getting off the phone and going into my sons room and seeing his father lying there while Daniel slept, crying over what an unimaginable thing had just happened.  Our son slept in our bed that night, neither of us slept though, unable to imagine how my friend would get through the magnitude of her grief.

Over the course of grieving for her son, many of us gathered strength from her.  She was wounded, but she rallied to move her life forward and to celebrate the gift that her son had been in her life.  She set up a memorial fund in his name, raising funds for kids who are wards of the Children’s Aid Society to get a post secondary education, and eventually went on to adopt a daughter from abroad.

She is my hero!  Over the course of the last two years, through the ups and downs of my own life, she has been there.  Battling cancer the entire time, but always one of my loudest cheerleaders.  When I felt that things looked bleakest, I always thought of what she had been through in her own life; how much she had had to overcome and the grace and grattitude that she always exhibited in her own life.  On our girls nights out, her laughter was always the loudest, her joy in being surrounded by people who loved her always so clear.

Last year she posted on Facebook that she was thinking of her son and her daughter, and that she was so tired.  After everyone rallied her with messages of strength and love she replied “I would live it all again in a heartbeat because to change any of it might change all of it and there are too many beautiful moments in the midst of all this". But that is how she lived her life, full of gratitude for what the world had given her.  She is my eternal guide to gratitude, to finding beauty in a world that isn’t always beautiful, to being a mother and a friend.  I am grateful today that the universe brought this beautiful soul into my life and I am grateful that today heaven holds an extra angel that is watching over me and my boys. 

Love you F, may you rest in peace.

 

Rough Mommy Days - Or Are they???

I would like the email address of whoever it was who created Halloween!  What kind of a crazy person designs a holiday where kids get to get all spooked (read hyper) and dressed up and they get to inhale bags of candy (read hyper again)?  I'll tell you for sure that this holiday was created by a man who did not have children!  With absolute certainty, it wasn't created by the single mother of three boys!

Today started out as most Saturdays do for me when I have the boys.  We have a quiet breakfast, we go grocery shopping and we run errands.  However, today the minute those boys stepped into the Superstore and saw all the Halloween costumes, candies and decorations - that was it.  That was around 9am, it's currently 6pm and they are still hyper.

I love Halloween, I actually decorate the whole house; inside and out.  But the boys and I have a huge challenge that we face every year.  You see, I like Halloween, I appreciate the whole witches and ghost thing.  But I don't subscribe to the whole "blood and gore" aspect of Halloween.  I never let my eldest wear costumes that I thought were outside the realm of what I thought was appropriate (he keeps talking about a friends mom who is a Halloween control freak, but I think that really he's talking about me).  It has already started with Lucas, he wants to be something "scary" and I just don't like the idea...so what we have here is a Halloween standoff.  He refuses to want the costumes that I like and I refuse to buy the costumes that he likes.  I'm going to win this one...that little boy has no money and assuming that he would like to partake in the holiday then I'm going to have the last word. 

I'm trying to be patient, but I just looked up from writing my blog to see that the three year old has stripped down naked and drawn "tattoo's" all over his body.  God grant me the strength to get through Halloween, because when this holiday of candy infused craziness finally ends that other holiday is at our door; and I can't even begin to explain to you the craziness that ensues at my house during that particular holiday. 

The next three months will fly by, and there will be a lot of craziness but there will be many more beautiful memories made.  Time, as always, continues to bring my life more into focus.  The crazy comes with the great and this time of year for every moment of complete insanity there is a moment of perfect beauty and awe.  I'm looking forward to taking them all in stride; afterall I am a very proud tired mom.

And Suddenly it Settles

A funny thing has been happening lately, the journey has gotten exponentially easier.  From day to day, week to week it all appears to be getting easier; and as it becomes easier it has become more enjoyable. 

About a week ago a feeling of peace settled in my life, a feeling like it's all finally okay.  The boys are all in school full days now and its amazing how it feels to know that they are having full days involved in school work and that I'm not so reliant on help from others to manage the boys throughout the day.  And when I get home at the end of the day, it's a pleasure to see them and to spend time with them.  All three boys are getting older, and as they grow they bring me more joy.  Just as I wrote months ago, the journey of raising my boys gets better with each passing week; time continues to make the experience that much more wonderful.

And then there's the process of getting divorced, we are still absolutely nowhere near being finalized with that.  But it no longer concerns me the way that it once did.  I have a full, wonderful life and he has his.  We are both travelling in opposite directions, further and further apart with only the boys to keep us connected in any way.  I have made peace with the fact that he is no longer the man that I married and that I loved;  that man no longer exists, but I'm okay with that.  His role in my life was to give me my beautiful sons, once they were all in my world there was no longer a role for him in my journey.  There isn't a gift more significant in this world than what he gave to me.  The boys are my joy, my pride and the most magical thing that I have ever, or will ever, be a part of.

And lastly there is my little secret of the past year, a wonderful new man in my life.  Someone who makes me laugh, and makes me feel beautiful and who is the first person in my life who has ever been able to make me slow down.  I'm grateful that we found our way into each others lives, and while the relationship is still relatively new, I am open to whatever the experience of having him in my world will bring, and am exponentially grateful for the quiet that he instills in me.  He is the first person in my life who isn't always in a hurry to be somewhere, or to do something, and I'm grateful that this is a skill that, believe it or not, I am learning from him. 

So, today I am filled once again with gratitude; my cup runneth over.  There is so much in my world for which I am grateful, many of those things I overlooked for years.  But now it appears that a part of learning to slow down is allowing me to finally see the things in my world that are nothing short of gracious blessings and I am filled with the desire to keep learning and growing while I find my path.  The path will continue to have its twists and turns, and no two routes are ever going to be the same.  The important thing will never be the final destination, it will always be the journey.  I am happy to report that my journey is quite remarkable and I am enjoying every moment along the way.

Creating the Path for Yourself!

I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to the idea that finding my path might really be a lot less about letting the universe guide me where I am supposed to go and more about building the path that I see my life following.  I grew up in a very traditional European, Catholic family and people laugh when I say it, but in my parents house as a female I was either leaving that house in a white dress or a coffin.  Moving out on your own was something that was unheard of, I’m proud of the girls in my family who have since broken that mould and ventured out to start to create their own rules.  Part of the dynamic of growing up in that kind of an environment is that you always do what you feel is best for the collective good. Rarely do you think about doing what is best for you, especially if what whatyou feel is best will affect the peace within the family.

 Here’s something new for consideration, I’m grateful that my marriage fell apart.  I loved my husband with everything that I had, but I’m not sure that he and I were ever really right for one another.  Our union gave me three beautiful sons, who are the loves of my life, and I will be eternally grateful that our paths crossed.  But with the dissolution of my marriage came an opportunity to forge a new path that is right for me.  I’m old enough now, confident enough now that the decisions that I make get to be those that are in my best interest and I really don’t care about what the rest of the world thinks of those decisions.  It’s the first time in my life that I feel free to take responsibility for my own decisions and to do what feels right for me, and having taken 41 years to get here, I can tell you that the feeling is really quite awsome.

I continue on my path, the whole time feeling the wonderment at finally feeling like any decisions that feel right will be right regardless of what they are.  Lessons will be learned, some will come easily and some will come harder. The people who love me will always have my back, and I in turn will always have theirs.  In my life today I’m stronger because I have been week, I am fearless because I have been afraid and I am wise because I have been foolish.  I am an exponentially stronger woman today than I was two years ago; sometimes you have to travel a very long way to find what was always right there beside you.

Find your path, build a path that will guide your life into what you want for your life to be.  Let no one ever deter you from being where the universe meant for you to be, love shamelessly and with reckless abandon.  Yes I mean you; I know you know who you are!

Oh No!! The "Teenage Years" Are Here!!

I think that I figured something out today...the "teenage years" have arrived at my house.  For the first time ever my teenager "ignored me".  Completely just disregarded what I was saying even though I was screaming it at the top of my voice in the same room as him.  And then he tried to justify why he was ignoring me.  So, after I finally clarified which of the two of us was the boss in this particular relationship (that would me be) he stormed away.  And then I started to think!  Oh no, I'm going to have to do this twice...just as I'm finally over the rough time of having a teenager, my other two boys will be entering the dreaded teenage years.  And it didn't end there, I realized that as soon as I was finally through the teenage years with the two younger ones, the older one might be starting a family and then I would be "GASP" a grandmother.  That's when I realized what I've suspected for years...this is never going to be over.  I'm going to be raising children, loving children, worrying endlessly FOREVER!! 

I love these little boys, and I love almost every phase that they go through.  I'm even able to see the humour (now) in last Thursday nights mishap where the three year old decided to dump three bottles of paint all over the coffee table and the carpet.  It was funny...ha ha...see I'm enjoying the whole experience for sure.  My poor sister however, who was at my place during the paint debacle, might still not be over the drama that ensued.  As I scraped the paint into a bowl (yes, there was that much paint), the three year old started screaming and crying that I was ruining his painting. 

So, I'm trying to enjoy it all; while I realize that it isn't going to get funamentally easier for some time to come.  I told my six year old that when they were all grown that I wanted to move to Paris and he said "cool, I can't wait to move to Paris with you".  Loving them, working hard to try to just try to accept the things that happen in the manner in which they happen.  There are going to be things that I can control, and things that will always be out of my control and the sooner that I make peace with that, the sooner my life will feel peaceful. 

What an adventure!  The path is completely crazy and bumpy but there are a multitude of rewards at the end.  The boys are my biggest reward, at the end of all the hard work they'll always be there waiting.

Loving the road, working hard to accept it as it comes at me. 

Running...and Finally Catching Up

Holy Smokes...talk about running a million miles an hour these days.  My mind is constantly flying and I'm surprised that I manage to sleep at all these days.  I recently had a terrible night, I tossed and turned for hours and finally decided at 4am that the best thing that I could do for myself was to get out of bed and make a list of all the things that were floating around in my head that were causing all this sleeplessness.  The list was long, I realised that over the past two years anything that was difficult has been getting relegated to the "take care of it when I have time" pile and things were quickly starting to add up.  So I've been addressing all those items that have been being added to my list, slowly ticking things off and the feeling is so wonderful.  I had forgotten what it was like to go a day without something in the back of your mind sounding alarm bells; it's such a wonderful thing to be checking things off my list.

The last month involved a lot of thought about my career and what I wanted to be doing.  Although it wasn't an easy decision to make I've decided that the best thing that I can do for myself is to take a step back.  For years I was an Executive Assistant and to be honest, I love the role.  I love helping others and getting to know people and this role offers me an opportunity to operate within my comfort zone.  I realised that for now, the greatest thing that I can give to myself is a healthy work-life balance, there will be time later for growing my career and trying new things.  For now the priority should be my life and the lives of my little boys.  We need time, lots of time, and I'm okay with that.  So, starting Tuesday I'm back to a job that I love, helping people who I already know and respect and I'm glad that my life offers me opportunities from time  to time for a "do over".

I'm grateful that this summer I've had lots of time to spend on the beach with my babies, and happy to spend some time just starting to get to know me a little better.  By understanding myself better, I'll understand those around me better and slowly I'll keep travelling the path.  I'm already having fun, I fully anticipate that it will continue to get better and better.  Thanks for following everyone!

I'm not afraid of adversity!!

As we roll towards Canada Day I’m feeling very patriotic and as such think that a Canadian euphemism might be in order to express how I’m feeling these days; my life is currently like a hockey game and I’m in net and the universe is taking endless shots. What I’m not really able to figure out is whether or not I’m actually blocking those pucks or if I’m letting them all get in past me.

In the past two weeks my 6 year old and I have been struck down with pneumonia, the 13 year old has bronchitis and just when I thought that the last man standing was going to be okay he came down with a terrible cough and an ear infection. A lesser woman would have caved under the pressure, but not me. I took 3 days off of work and headed back in to the office to find out that my career is kind of tanking, well maybe not so much tanking as it might just be in a "transitional stage"; but for whatever reason it looks like the universe is letting me know that it’s time to move on. So onwards I go, with full confidence (you can let me know later if you actually believe that remark about full confidence) that there’s a reason why all this is happening. A couple of days ago my horoscope said “You may be feeling like the universe isn't on your side right now, Aries. But that feeling could probably be attributed to the hectic state of your life right now. You've had a lot on your plate for a long time, and with so little relief the stress and anxiety have worn you out.” REALLY??? Worn me out – that might be the biggest understatement of the decade. I feel like the universe is putting its big old boots to me; just giving me a giant kick in some direction that I’m not so sure I want to be travelling in. I realize that I’m looking for my path, but perhaps the trip to getting on that path might want to be just a little better paved, a few less bumps along the way would be appreciated!!

So here’s where I am at; this isn’t the first time that my career has taken a path that I wasn’t sure of. I work in an industry where you get bought and sold more often than a leaky sail boat! And every time I’ve had to take on a new role in a new organization, it has always been a great opportunity and I have always been grateful in the end for the new people that I have met and the new experiences that I have gained. So this is how I am approaching this chapter in my world. I need to be healthy and happy, so it’s time to find the right job and the right career that will help to get both of those things rolling once again. I know it, the universe knows it and whoever it is that is writing those horoscopes sure knows it too…several days after the above horoscope was posted my horoscope read “You can find the joy you want in your life. There is something that is blocking your path to finding it, though, and it is something you need to resolve internally. You are engaged in something difficult, or you haven't been able to forgive yourself for something. Address that issue, and you'll be on the path to happiness and serenity”. Look out world; happiness and serenity are on their way!! There are some things that I might need to figure out, but once I do there isn’t anything that can stop me! Today I’m focusing on what is currently right in my world, and there really is an abundance of things and people for which I am grateful. I figure if I can keep focusing on those things that are right, the ones that need to right themselves will fall into path!

Gratitude and Satisfaction

People fascinate me! I spend a lot of time watching other people, trying to figure them out and hoping that maybe by understanding others in turn I will better understand myself. I really do believe that every person with whom we interact serves a purpose; that they are there at that exact moment as you for a reason. I guess that’s why I start up random conversations with strangers in stores and on trains (and even on Twitter). I’ll take any opportunity to understand someone, to listen to them tell a story and to try to understand a point of view, even the ones that I don’t share. But for all the talking that I do, and all the listening, I’m still quite baffled by our human experience. I’m baffled by our dissatisfaction with the life that we have been given when in reality we all have such a finite amount of time to be able to find gratitude and satisfaction in our lives.

Recently while on a break from jury duty selection I was sitting by the water fountain at Toronto’s City Hall; to my right was the exact spot where 21 years ago I sat with the boy that I would marry, it was the first time he ever held my hand. To my left was a couple, all dressed up and heading into City Hall to vow to love each other until death parts them. I sat there wondering what happens; what happens that takes that wonderful, impossible and unexplainable feeling that you feel for someone as you fall in love and turns it into something that no longer works, something with which we feel dissatisfied? I wonder why it is that some people cannot find it within themselves to nurture love and be grateful for its presence in their life. I don’t subscribe to the theory that people grow apart, I subscribe to the theory that we are all chasing an idea of what we think our life should look like, what our relationships should look like, that we are overlooking those things in our life that would bring others great satisfaction. Our lives are not scripts written in Hollywood, our life experience is so fraught with emotion; happiness, sadness, and great moments of inexplicable grief but onwards we go uncertain as to whether or not the happy ending is waiting for us at the end.

We should all be looking for satisfaction within the boundaries of the life that we have been given. I’m not perfect, and I don’t always find gratitude where I should, and I can’t always see the sun for the clouds in my own life. I have hurts from the past that often times feel like they will never heal themselves, but I do know that the soul knows how to heal itself, all we have to figure out is how to still our minds in order to allow the healing to begin. My life for the most part is organized chaos, and sometimes it’s unorganized chaos, and I’m still feeling like my life is currently out of order, but I trust that the universe is merely re-organizing things for me in order to give me a fresh start that will be better than ever and for that I am grateful and very satisfied.

Thanks for the Message

I think that the universe is trying to look out for me. I've definitely been going through a rough patch lately (yes, I know, you've heard this before) but I'm lost. I'm still confused as to what I want and how I get there, struggling with sadness and anger. But a funny thing has been happening lately. The universe is sending me messages! My horoscope has been so incredibly bang on lately that it defies logic. I read it daily and think "that's crazy". I don't even really believe in horoscopes and reading it is something that I've done since I was a kid mostly out of habit. But lately it has become almost scary! Recently my horoscope on a particularly bad day talked about David battelling Goliath and it read "But take heart. Even though you may feel like you've totally tired yourself out, and lost your spirit, and you want to give up, you will soon feel a wave of inspiration and the strength of mind and body to go with it. The heavens are looking out for you. Don't forget, dear Aries, that David won". Then today came an email, reminding me that the universe sends funny messages in all kinds of ways. I got the email from a friend, we'll just call her 'H' and tonight while saying prayers with her daughters she asked them if there was anyone special they wanted to include in tonight's prayers and her oldest daughter said "yes, Auntie Ana". When H asked why she said "I just want to ask God to look out for her". Thank you sweet girl for listening to the universe and for sending a prayer, I am filled with gratitude! You all know that I'm a deep believer in the universe and I try really hard to listen to the messages that the universe is sending me in order to help me be where I am supposed to be, so sending out a huge thank you to the universe for the prayers and the reminders that I am far stronger than the emotions that I am currently struggling with! Sending you all blessings tonight, thank you to all of you who continue to send me positive energy and beautiful prayers! Ana

April

Today is my birthday, I got up this morning and cried for a half hour, struggling with another year having passed and feeling like I'm not where I want to be.  I wish that could feel happy, wish that could see my birthday as a celebration and not just a reminder of sad times.
Throughout the day though my blackberry was relentless!  Messages from friends came through all day on Facebook, Email and Twitter.  Reminding me again that I'm not alone on this path.  That I'm surrounded by people who love me and are watching and wishing me well along this journey.

By the end of the day I was feeling exponentially happier.  It's going to be hard to get through April.  In a few days it will be what would have been my 18th wedding anniversary, still a difficult thing to accept, still a hard day to get through.  But I  have little doubt that the special people in my life will be there to prop me up and get me through the day, like they always do.
Thanks to everyone in my life that helps me to get through the rough patches!  I appreciate you and love you and I am glad  that you are with me on my journey.

Forgiveness

I had the hardest time sleeping last night. Yesterday afternoon, while having lunch with someone who has become very important in my life, he told me that I needed to stop being angry about the past. Of course I defended myself and said that I didn't think that I was angry, but last night as I was desperately trying to get to sleep, I couldn't shake the feeling that maybe he was right. Maybe everything that I've been feeling lately can be attributed to anger. I told my friend that I was angry for the boys, but not myself, but the more I thought about it, the more I stared to realize that he was right!


I'm a deep believer in karma, and now I'm seeing that for the past year and a half I have been throwing anger out to the world, and that is what I have been getting back in return. I think I needed the reality check. I don't really have any reason to be angry. My marriage did not work out! Did I want for it to? Probably more than I'll ever want anything again in my life. But I get to be the master of my future; I get to decide how it plays out and whether losing out on my marriage means losing out on my life. So, if my friend is reading this, thank you (yes, I know - you were right). I refuse to let the past guide how I live the future. No more anger, time to offer out forgiveness and to get on with the building of what I know will be a beautiful future.


Enjoy this beautiful day everyone, and if there's someone out there who you need to forgive, do it! Set yourself free!!

Spring

Spring in Toronto this year certainly came in a magnificent hurry.  Last week we were wearing our winter coats and this week I have been sending the boys to school in shorts and golf shirts.  I’m amazed by how quickly my garden is blooming and once again this year (please, stop me if you’ve heard this before) I’m going to make that garden wonderful.  I think I might be lying; in a world full of people with green thumbs I would say that mine is maybe purple, red or orange – almost any colour other than green.  My mother once told me that I was a plant assassin; I fear that perhaps she is right.

But regardless of how it goes, I’m trying hard to embrace spring as an opportunity for growth and rebirth and to remember every time that I see something new sprout from under the ground that anything is possible.  If those beautiful flowers can lie dormant, under the cold, hard ground for several months and still find their way out into the sunshine, then surely I can as well.

I think that it’s time to revisit my goals for this year and to start to really think about what it is that I want to accomplish this year and how I envision the end of this year.  Where do I want to be, who do I want to be with and where do I want to be in my life?  I’ve started making lists of various projects that I would like to accomplish this year; just small things around the house.  I want to continue to make that space feel more and more like it’s my home, the home that I alone built for me and the boys.  I’m still confident that it’s going to be a great year, it’s off to a bit of a rocky start, but I still have 9 months to make it great. 

Earlier this week Tosca Reno tweeted “If we feel out of sorts, antsy, restless or weird, look for answers inside not outside.  The answers are in YOU already.  You already know”.  And I think that perhaps I already do.

Remember, every time you see a plant or a flower pushing through the ground, you are as strong and as wonderful as that flower.

Hard Times!

It feels like spring in Toronto these days, and I’m glad the weather is so nice as I’m going to be taking the rest of this week off to spend time with the boys while they are off for March Break.  I have affectionately started referring to the boys as “my noise”.  I love my boys, as those of you who read my blog regularly already know.  They are my universe, but they make me more than just a little bit crazy about 75% of the time (they sleep the other 25%), most especially on days like today when I call my mother to check on the boys and I get an earful about how misbehaved they are being.

Recently I have had a number of conversations with other mothers about the reality of my life right now and how on most days if feels a little out of control, I can tell you that my current lifestyle is not entirely fantastic.  From time to time some well intentioned mother or grandmother in a store will tell me to “enjoy the boys while they are small, the time passes too quickly and these years are the best that I will have.”   I always smile, agree and thank them, and then I think to myself “I can’t go on if this is as good as it gets”.  I refuse to believe that my life will never get better than changing diapers, listening to children scream, hearing my 12 year old tell me how much he hates his little brother, tantrums, meals that go uneaten and children who do not understand when it is just time to go to sleep.  I believe that the day will come where I will be able to sit down at a table with my three beautiful boys and enjoy a meal and a quiet conversation without even one time having to say “please chew with your mouth shut”.  I believe that one day I will spend an entire evening with the boys where I won’t have to ask any one of them to please stop what they are doing to their brother.  I believe that at some point I will enjoy going home after a day of work instead of dreading the thought of how noisy and hectic my evening is going to be.  And I really, really, really want to believe that one day my neighbour (Cara, I hope you read this blog) has a day that she doesn’t think even one time “what on earth is going on next door”.

I think that as mothers there is so much pressure on us to love every moment of being a mother to our small children regardless of how hard the job is.  I think sometimes that mothers of grown children conveniently forget how hard and frustrating the job of caring for small children can be.  I love my boys, I enjoy them for what they are and almost every day when I reflect on my day, I think about how lucky I am that those three beautiful creatures are a part of my world.  I know that I am lucky to have them.  But not for a moment do I believe that these are the happiest and most fulfilling days of my life.  Those wonderful boys are only going to get better and as I figure things out for myself my whole world will continue to improve.

I would encourage well intentioned grandmothers and mothers that perhaps when they see a mother at a grocery store with her small children that perhaps they should acknowledge that raising children is a hard job; as a working mother I can certainly tell you that I would get more out of hearing another mother tell me that parenting is the hardest job in the world than to hear one tell me that from where they are currently at in their lives (i.e. looking fondly back at the time that has passed) it’s the best time of my life.

I am looking forward to it getting great and my boys are the biggest part of that greatness.  For all you moms with small children out there reading my blog, these are hard days; enjoy them for what they are, but it will certainly continue to get better.  You may look back one day and miss kissing little toes and snuggling with small sleeping babies, but remember to never forget how hard the job was and to acknowledge to another mother that it is hard work, that mothers are not always perfect and most of us do not love being mothers 100% of the time.  Our babies are well worth the work and I can’t wait to be able to sit and look back and think that I made it through, that the job was tough but in the end I raised three sensitive, beautiful and wonderful men.

Stormy Day

I woke up this morning to a dark, stormy day in Toronto and although I hate to admit it, the weather reflects my mood perfectly!  After almost three weeks with the boys (that's three weeks of crazy evenings, restless nights, hectic mornings and lots of noise) finally got a break last night when the boys went to spend the night at their dads.  This morning I woke up to quiet, a clean house and coffee already brewing in the machine...but I missed the boys.

I wonder sometimes if other parents who share custody feel the same way, desperate for a break and when the break comes, you find yourself desperate for your children.  I felt awful yesterday when I got home from work and Lucas said "we go to Daddy today mommy and you get to have a break".  I'm a little sad that the little monster knows that need a break...today when get home I'm going to make sure that all three boys know that although the break is nice and welcome, I miss them terribly when they are not with me!

Hope the storm passes over soon and the sun comes out!

Have a great day everyone!

Not Looking Back

I realized recently that I spend an inordinate amount of time looking backwards.  I daydream about the past, the people in it, the events that transpired (the good and the bad) and I think that perhaps only now am I realizing that while sometimes it’s nice to reminisce about the past, the future lies in the future and no amount of looking back is going to propel me forward.

My other major downfall over the last little while has been looking to others for validation when the only person whose validation really matters is my own.  While the boys are the centre of my universe, they won’t think very much of the woman that I am unless I think the world of myself.

So here it is, two months into the year that I waited for and anticipated would be the year in which it all finally changed and I’ve spent so much time looking back and seeking the validation of others when I should only have been looking at myself and looking straight ahead into the future.

One of my favourite quotes by Audrey Hepburn is “Nothing is missing when you’re not looking back.  Move forward, always forward”.  So there it is, time to move forward.  No more looking back, no more wondering what if.  Time to remember that whatever is meant for me has already been determined in my life and the only way to honour the beautiful life that I have been given is to get myself on the path that I was mean to be on and to live life to the fullest of my ability; time to stop waiting for others to fix things and others to fix me.

I think that I can see that path up ahead, instead of walking there with uncertainty while looking back and seeking validation, its time to start running towards it.

Gratitude on the Journey

This month I wanted to write a little bit less about how difficult my journey to get on path is and instead focus more of how joyous the journey is of getting to where I need to be.  Sometimes I forget to live with gratitude for what I have, and without gratitude for what we have I truly believe that we will never have anything more.

I am blessed by the three beautiful creatures with which I share my world; my three precocious, beautiful, healthy boys.  I’m convinced that three more different creatures have never belonged to the same mother.  Each of them is quite spectacular in their own special way, and each of them brings a special kind of joy to my world that only they will ever be able to bring. 

My boys are my miracles.  I remember reading once that growing a baby inside of you and giving birth to that baby is the closest any of us will ever have to participate in a miracle and I believe it.  I find myself very often staring at the boys and thinking, those are my miracles.

Daniel is the oldest, he is undoubtedly my musician.  I couldn’t imagine Daniel ever focusing long enough on any one thing in his life until the day he discovered music and playing the guitar.  From the moment that Daniel picked up his first guitar there it was, focus.  For the first time in his 11 years of life, I saw that child gain focus on one thing.  He plays the guitar, self taught, and writes lyrics and music.  I don’t quite understand myself where that raw talent could possibly come from, but he’s quite talented, especially as a song writer.  Maybe one day he’ll let me blog some lyrics for you.

Then there’s Lucas; my wild child.  There isn’t a grown up in the world who can say no to my beautiful 5 year old.  He lives his life with reckless, fearless abandon (very loud abandon), and he loves the people in his life with the same intensity.  After Lucas spent his first weekend away from me (his first weekend with his father) in the middle of the night Lucas crawled into bed with me and whispered “Don’t talk mommy, I don’t want to hear anything, I just missed you too much and need to cuddle with you”.  He curled himself up right next to me and he kissed my cheek and tucked me in.  It was pure Lucas, he needed me far less at that point in my life than I needed him and I’m sure that with his special gift for loving the people around him, he knew that.

And then there’s my baby, Michael.  Michael is hard to describe other than to say his vocabulary at the age of three rivals that of most grown ups.   He’s incredible!  And the best thing about that vocabulary is that it comes with a giant sized imagination and memory.  When Michael and I are alone together he regales me with the most far fetched stories; my favourite by far being those of his pet spider, Charlick, who lives in his room and sings to him at night.  Charlick has long baths with Michael and she washes her tummy and all eight of her legs, and at night when Michael cannot sleep Charlick scratches his back with all eight of her legs until he finally falls asleep.

So as you can see, the journey to get on path may be difficult at times and I don’t know where I’m going or where I need to be, but what I do have right now is so spectacular.  Sometimes I forget how blessed I am.  Remember last month I encouraged everyone to take moments to enjoy where you are on the journey to be on path, I forget to do that myself sometimes.  Being a person who always planned everything in her life, I’m afraid of not knowing how it is all going to work out for me.  Often I’m in such a hurry to find out how it will all transpire that I forget to stop and just enjoy right now.  Deep inside though I know that I am on my way to being on path and that easy or hard, this is just a part of my journey. Sending blessings to all of you, I hope that each of you is finding joy in your own journey.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!

I feel blessed that I have the gift of a New Year to continue on my quest to get on path in my life.  Late in the year my Blackberry Messenger had a quote by the famous author Paolo Coelho, it was around not forgetting in 2012 that our dreams are not for sale.  Instead of making resolutions this year, I’ve simply resolved to get my life back on path and to remember that my dreams are valuable and that the only person who stops me from reaching for them is me.  I hope that this year instead of making resolutions in your own lives that you simply resolve to live the life that you were each meant to live authentically and to follow your own dreams. 

My own journey to get on path has sadly hit a bit of a derailment.  The place on my path where I am right now feels difficult, this isn’t the life that I imagined for myself and I’m still struggling with the fact that I am not entirely sure of what the future will look like for me.  Which of course tells me that I’m not on path; that right now my life feels awkward and I don’t feel like I’m at peace tells me that I’m far off path and the goal over the next month is to try to find a way to get back on.  For me that means yoga; an opportunity to rest my body and my mind and reconnect with my spiritual side.

Change in our lives can be conscious or unconscious and in the first few days of this year I had the opportunity to think about where I am in my journey and realized that I’ve changed quite significantly in the past two years.  Not all those changes have been for the better. I’ve lost some of my patience; not just patience with others but patience in my own self.  As someone who has always been rather pragmatic, I find that I’ve become “wishy-washy”; afraid of decisions, afraid of new challenges.  I’ve become so preoccupied with what I might do wrong or what I might miss that perhaps I’m missing out on entire opportunities that are coming into my life.  So I guess that a fresh new year is the perfect time to sit and start to think through all the changes and take charge of those that need to be corrected and to embrace those that are keeping me on the route to being on path.

I guess that life is a complicated thing overall and each of us are on a journey to be on path. Regardless of where you are on your journey to get on path you need to be able to enjoy the journey.  Today, wherever you are on your path,   keep going.  There is meaning and purpose in your journey, don’t forget to keep looking at where you are and what there is to be learned from that moment.  Let go of fear, let go of doubt, open yourself up to being on path!