I wanted to start my blog by thanking all of you who read the first entry and those of you who have asked me (several times) where the second blog entry was....so for those of you who asked, here it is.
I'm trying desperately this year to get ready for Christmas; but I think that there's an energy that is clearly working against me, Christmas is not what it used to be. And for me, Christmas holds a bit of a feeling of failure, the reality of what Christmas is for me and my kids right now is not entirely what I always imagined for us. I think about Christmas' past and how much they meant to me, how important it was to make it a magical time of the year for my family and my boys. My sister used to say that if you gave me an apple and a cinnimon stick that I would decorate your house for Christmas because that is how much I loved Christmas and got into the whole thing. Then I think about this Christmas, the first one the boys will celebrate without their father, and I'm terrified of how that's going to play out. When I was 12 years old my father had a minor stroke the day that school let out for Christmas Holidays, and Christmas Eve came and he was still in the hospital. This year Christmas for me feels very much like that Christmas all those years ago, as my brother, my sister and I opened our presents there was no real joy, something was missing and it was very emotional for all of us. This year, I'm worried that same feeling will be felt by my own boys and I'm tripping all over myself tyring to come up with ways to make it not that way.
So onwards I go, like mothers do, working as hard as I can to make sure that everything is just right. This year the Christmas Tree goes right to the ceiling, I've worked hard to make sure that although there are fewer gifts this year, they are just what the boys want, I have a great Christmas morning breakfast planned and our usual family Christmas dinner will go ahead with the boys Uncle who has been with us at Christmas every year since they were born.
So that discomfort that I mentioned in the first blog, it's back! Not sure the direction this is going to take or if I'm on path, but I'm determined to make it okay for now. Not just for the boys, but for me too. I always had an image in my head of Christmas in my home, only now that image isn't something that is realistic. I imagine a house full of family and friends and loud music. Lots of food and laughter. So that is the goal, to somehow get myself to that place again, where I can picture a house that hosts those kinds of parties and holds that kind of joy. I read an article in the Globe this week, a daughter writing about the 50 year tradition in her family of Christmas Carol parties and it made me cry. That's the life I envisioned for myself, for my family and right now it isn't a possiblity. But my path will take me there for certain, and if I follow my path and continue to trust the universe that there is a plan for me I know that the life that I envisioned is the one waiting...at the end of the path.
Merry Christmas Everyone. Wishing you all a ton of joy this holiday and a world full of laughter in the new year.